The Daughter I'll Never Have

This post is inspired by this week's Britmums Blog Prompt. Which is  If I wouldn't be judged harshly, I would say ________ out loud.  My ____________ is I want a daughter.....

"Dear daughter,


I do believe I had you once. I was pregnant, a long long time ago, you would be almost 15 now. I lost the baby, sadly, at around 8 weeks. I saw its image on a screen, the heartbeat had only just stopped, the obstetrician said. I had an operation to remove the foetus. I was bereft. 


I dreamt of you, about 5 years later, you were just as a 5 year old girl should be. You walked into a bookshop and came up to me. You asked me how many children I had. I said none. You spat at me. You were angry "you have me, do not deny me, you are my mother, how dare you?" It shook me to the core, and I still remember that dream.


I had you, but I will never have you.


And that makes me sad."

I am blessed with a son. I love my relationship with Joseph, and I am looking forward to that maturing and growing as he does. He's simply amazing, and a clever, emapthetic, charming little boy.

But I feel a gap in my heart, and in my home. I feel outnumbered. When I was pregnant, initially I had hoped for a girl, just a little hope, as my pregnancy progressed I was quite convinced I was carrying a boy, and had got used to the idea, but I still had that little wish for a daughter to share my life with. And it's the little things, shopping trips, girly chats, getting our hair and nails done together, just the little girlie things that would be nice to do with a daughter. And the big things, sharing my feminist ideals, raising a strong woman, having that adult relationship.

That shared gender is important, no matter how much you try to pretend it isn't, there is something special about the mother and daughter relationship, that I am never going to have.

When I see pictures of little tutus, or pink shoes, or a nursery all done in princess pink, I feel a pang of sadness that I'll never have my little princess. I can't honestly say that even if I had a girl she'd have a princess pink room, and tutus and ballet shoes, and God knows I loathed ballet classes when I was a girl!

I am blessed to have nieces, and my sister, and good female friends, and I have lots of virtual nieces too. But I do feel sad about it. And I feel sad that I haven't got another girl in my house, apart from the cat. My husband is so excited about taking Joseph to football, and to Diggerland, and doing blokey things with him. And I feel left out (although Diggerland does sound cool!)

I hope some day, some how, a girl does come into my life, and can fill that gap......