The main finding of this research is that mothers who have resolved their grief are three times more likely to have securely attached infants. The article does not go on to explain how they measured attachment, which I am curious about, or how they measured if grief was resolved.
I found it interesting that when sharing this on Facebook, one of my fellow premature mum friends commented that she was concerned this would put more pressures on mothers to overcome their experiences and "get over it", for fear of damaging the way in which their child is attached to them. I didn't see it that way, but I see her point now.
So where does that leave us? What the article suggests is that paediatricians work with mothers on resolving their grief, and this has to be taken in context of the US system which is so very different to the UK system. In the UK it is rare that you have a close relationship with a paediatrician, unless you child is quite ill, and many premature babies are not. So that recommendation, I would argue, is not going to work in the UK, unless babies are more closely followed up by paediatricians, which I don't think is practical, given the cost of such a measure.
I found it fascinating that there is no correlation between gestation or the wellness of the mother or infant and grief over premature birth, which confirms what I have said for a long time. What we have in common whether our baby was born at 24 or 34 weeks, is the unknown. No one can tell us how things will be. In our case our consultant wasn't very experienced with 27 weekers and put the fear of God into me that Joseph would never eat, would be in an out of hospital with Chronic Lung Disease and be a generally sicky and difficult baby with long term problems. For me, that was a huge source of grief feelings for me, that I'd failed to keep Joseph safe and he was facing an uncertain future.
I remember feeling awful in NICU when comforting mums, I would go over and give a new mum a hug when they came into the unit. Often they would ask about gestation and weight, and then feel shocked and guilty that they felt so sad about their own situation when our own was so much "worse". I never saw it that way. No one wants their baby in NICU, not for 3 months, not for 3 hours. I saw it that our grief was the same. Our unit took mainly later gestation babies.
What I think we need to do, as compassionate parents as well as health professionals, is look at how we help mothers (and fathers) with grief. So much of aftercare is left to chance. The baby is well, is discharged, the mother and father are left to carry on. I felt completely on my own with Joseph, and very scared of what the future held. I felt robbed of normal experiences, and quite bitter as to what had happened to us. I also found that my Health Visitor had no interest in us. She said she had no experience of premature babies and she left us to our own devices. I really struggled. I was lucky to have a good GP and a fabulous Surestart centre but it was up to me to fill that gap in service provision. Not every mummy (or daddy) can do that.
I went through all the classic stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.
Denial - Yes I've had an early baby, but it could have been worse we're fine now. There's nothing to be sad about.
Anger - I had this in bucketloads. I was angry that no one believed me I was ill, angry that my baby could have died. Angry with the whole situation. I was angry at my husband for going back to work, and being so sanctimonious about it all. For a long time I thought he should have taken sick leave and supported us emotionally.
Bargaining - This one was complex for me, but for a while I just wanted to have another baby, to make up for this pregnancy that I stuffed up, that if I could just have a term baby I could feel better about this one.
Depression - Whilst I didn't have classical depression, I was very sad. I felt so sad for the suffering I put Joseph through, for the things we had lost. I felt deep guilt that this was all my fault. And, in my case, this was coupled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so spent a lot of time being stressed and anxious too.
Acceptance- For me, this took about a year. I moved through those stages,not chronologically, and not necessarilly neatly, bouncing around the stages, at different times. Once Joseph turned one corrected I started to feel much better, and every time he met another milestone, I started feeling better.
I don't know, whether in terms of the research, this would be considered quick or not as its not covered in the report. I certainly feel Joseph has a strong and healthy attachment to me for the most part. I did have a lot of help from my Surestart Support Worker in the early days, and she worked hard with me to make sure I saw the reality of Joseph and to live in the moment.
I am wondering what we can do to help mothers, and fathers, with their grief. How we can help them get to the point of acceptance. Would more support, closer communities, talking through things with peers and or professionals help with moving through those stages? I think its very important we talk in terms of acceptance, as it is unreasonable for us to ever expect any one of us will "get over it".
I know in my case I was desperate for peer support, and several ladies on Bliss in particular really helped me, but I didn't have anyone I could have a cuppa and a cry with, who truly understood. It's one of the reasons I still blog, in the hope that I can be found, and I can be that virtual shoulder to cry on. I don't do this for money or recognition. The emails and comments and social media messages saying "thank you, I feel so much better for knowing my feelings are normal" is what I do it for.
If you have had a premature baby do you felt you went through grief? Did it resolve for you? What helped you? Would anything additional have helped?