Many moons ago Britmums had a Seven Deadly Sins blog prompt. At the time I was probably busy being Pollyanna and didn't make time to do a post, maybe I wasn't feeling it at the time. Who knows? But the time has come.
Envy.
Green with envy.
And its eating me up inside. When I was little I couldn't wait to be a mummy. My sister says I didn't play with my toys, I mothered them. I wanted to have my first child by 25 and be done with my 3 or 4 children by 30.
I didn't account for not being very good at pregnancy (or selecting male partners for that matter!). I had no idea that complications like miscarriage and then pre eclampsia would try to rob me of what I wanted most, to be a mummy. And don't worry, dear reader, I do count my blessings every single day for what I have, a perfect, healthy little boy. And yes, I do know that there are people out there who haven't got a baby at all, please don't make me feel any worse than I do.
But this envy is just eating me up from the inside out, and its awful. I don't know whether you've noticed, but there is a blogger baby boom at the moment. Gorgeous announcement photos and scan pictures appear everywhere. Joseph is asking every day for a baby.
I am genuinely happy for people when they fall pregnant, with number 2, 3, 4 or 5. But I can't help the little green monster voice "this is unfair, this should be you."
I feel like my life has been dictated to by pre eclampsia, by this evil shapeshifting illness. The pre eclampsia left me as soon as my baby was removed from me, but the ramifications remain long after the magnesium sulphate drip is removed.
All my body wants is to be pregnant again. Troublefree of course, with a lovely fat term baby at the end, who comes home with us. It's a fantasy that will never happen. But a fantasy that is reality for others, which strikes me as being utterly unfair. Why me? Why us? My husband puts a brave face on it, but he's feeling it too. We just want another child. Is that so very much to ask?
When I am not feeling sad and envious I try to use my time positively. I am knitting more and more, I have made a gold scarf, more than half a baby blanket and am just finishing a nice warm scarf for me, with more projects in the pipeline (stay tuned for knitting week!) I blog, and support others. I also do my work for Tommy's.
Because I am not alone. There are thousands of women being dictated too by pregnancy complications, who can't choose the family size they want, who haven't got a baby to hold at all.
Research is key, but so is support.
I guess I will always live with this envy, I doubt it will ever completely go away.
But I do wish it would.
Envy.
Green with envy.
And its eating me up inside. When I was little I couldn't wait to be a mummy. My sister says I didn't play with my toys, I mothered them. I wanted to have my first child by 25 and be done with my 3 or 4 children by 30.
I didn't account for not being very good at pregnancy (or selecting male partners for that matter!). I had no idea that complications like miscarriage and then pre eclampsia would try to rob me of what I wanted most, to be a mummy. And don't worry, dear reader, I do count my blessings every single day for what I have, a perfect, healthy little boy. And yes, I do know that there are people out there who haven't got a baby at all, please don't make me feel any worse than I do.
But this envy is just eating me up from the inside out, and its awful. I don't know whether you've noticed, but there is a blogger baby boom at the moment. Gorgeous announcement photos and scan pictures appear everywhere. Joseph is asking every day for a baby.
I am genuinely happy for people when they fall pregnant, with number 2, 3, 4 or 5. But I can't help the little green monster voice "this is unfair, this should be you."
I feel like my life has been dictated to by pre eclampsia, by this evil shapeshifting illness. The pre eclampsia left me as soon as my baby was removed from me, but the ramifications remain long after the magnesium sulphate drip is removed.
All my body wants is to be pregnant again. Troublefree of course, with a lovely fat term baby at the end, who comes home with us. It's a fantasy that will never happen. But a fantasy that is reality for others, which strikes me as being utterly unfair. Why me? Why us? My husband puts a brave face on it, but he's feeling it too. We just want another child. Is that so very much to ask?
When I am not feeling sad and envious I try to use my time positively. I am knitting more and more, I have made a gold scarf, more than half a baby blanket and am just finishing a nice warm scarf for me, with more projects in the pipeline (stay tuned for knitting week!) I blog, and support others. I also do my work for Tommy's.
Because I am not alone. There are thousands of women being dictated too by pregnancy complications, who can't choose the family size they want, who haven't got a baby to hold at all.
Research is key, but so is support.
I guess I will always live with this envy, I doubt it will ever completely go away.
But I do wish it would.