Thursday, 13 December 2012

Tis the Season

Christmas is hard.

I am trying to be enthusiastic, but I am finding it difficult. I find myself singing "Tis the season for tears and tantrums" to myself whilst rocking in the corner. Joseph doesn't yet quite get the concept. He thinks all toys come from Argos and its up to me to buy them all! I am hoping next year he believes!

He has discovered superheroes in a big way. The other day he said "Mummy can I go on Skype and ask Father Christmas the iron man question?" I stupidly asked "What's the iron man question Joseph?" and he looked at me as if I was 3 and he was 40 and said "can I have an iron man for Christmas". I have a feeling he is just humouring me.....

But on this journey I've been on I kind of realised something. I lost my first baby at Christmas 17 years ago. (that's a bit scary, I could have a teenager sitting exams....). It was one of my first adult Christmases and I think since that happened, my innocence for Christmas went away. Shortly after that miscarriage my marriage ended.

It's not with self pit or self indulgence that I write this. For many people Christmas isn't a happy time. It's lonely, sad, tainted with memories, of missing relatives, of grief. That's life, isn't it? Life is pain, as Wesley says in the Princess Bride, and anyone who says anything different is selling something.

So this year, I am determined. I am going to put sadness behind me and have fun. I have started by doing a mad project that hopefully I can blog about tomorrow, Royal Mail permitting! I am making plans for next week, as Joseph has the week off. We are going to the local garden centre where there are amazing Christmas displays, working on a Christmas pinata, and doing some festive baking.

I am going to have fun this year, enjoy the lead up, and relax and enjoy the day.

Tis the Season to be jolly after all.


  1. Oh bless you. Gonna be hard for me too this year, as my Nan died 2 days after Xmas last year, and then will be doubly hard next year as we should have little bean with us :( Hugs x

  2. I'm going to make sure you have fun! You deserve an amazing Christmas filled with joy, this is a new beginning and we both need to start enjoying these special days xx

  3. I don't think you ever really get your CHristmas innocence back. I work hard at loving it, creating traditions with my small family and making sure the kids see their cousins, because I don't want Christmas to be a sad time or a time of regrets or melancholy and it was threatening to be when Fred was small; I felt like Christmas was empty of people and meaning.

    Christmas was truly Christmas when it was somebody else's entire responsibility, when you just woke up and Christmas was laid out for you.

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    Christmas gift.