|View from Mt Nelson where I grew up|
Just over 2 years ago I started on a journey to healing. I disclosed my childhood story to you all here on my blog on this post Jimmy Savile is Dead.
This journey was one I didn't take alone. I disclosed to my family, my friends, and sought therapy. I started with Jo a lovely person centred counsellor and then onto cognitive analytical therapy, quite the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to face such issues as exploring why I was chosen, and how to overcome my darker feelings. It was really tough. To let myself be a little girl again, to go back to that place, to remember things I had shut away.
I had to explore and revisit pressing charges. This has taken a lot of thought and energy and time. Many tears, and much research and getting lots of people's input including my family. For many reasons I decided for the final time that I would not. I won't go into my reasoning here, suffice to say that if the man is still alive he is very old, my evidence isn't that strong with the passing of time, and I don't feel anything would be served to pursue a traumatic case at this stage.
Today I returned to the house where it happened. I stood outside, and I felt, well, nothing. I felt cold and shivery at first, and then I rationalised it. It was just a house. The parts of the house where I had been traumatised had been demolished, which in itself was very healing. The people associated with the house are long gone. It's over. My childhood is over.
My own house next door is intact, with a different garden, and fresh paintwork, but still the same house, where I had safety.
One of my favourite pieces from the Old Testament is Ecclesiastes 3 and today Ecclesiastes 3:15-17 is in my heart so I will share it here for those who may not know it. Today I feel that there is justice, but not mine to see done. I can have peace.
Also whilst in a Biblical frame of mind I have led to 1 Corinthians 13:11 I stray from the NIV to use the New Living Translation
"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things."
I had processed my abuse and the repercussions in a childlike way, because that was what I was. But I am grown up, I am safe, and I am ready to put away that childish way, that was right when I was a child, and to process this as an adult, a strong, resilient adult.
There is much left for me to do, a new story to write, a successful one.
It's time for peace.