Turning Two

In just over a week, my "little boy" will be two. The run up to his first birthday was tough. I think for any parent that first birthday is such a mixed blessing. It think, in a lot of ways, you just feel you've got the hang of babyhood, and its gone, whoosh! So many of my friends who had babies the same time as I have had Joseph have either had another, or are pregnant again. And I can see why.

As Joseph is turning two, I am aching for babyhood. I miss those special snuggles, the bottles, the night feeds all of it. How strange is that, but I do. I miss padding around at 3 in the morning with just my tiny baby for company, sharing a quiet bottle (I couldn't breast feed but that's another story) and listening to Classic FM waiting for him to bring his wind up and finally settle back to sleep.

I even miss the nappy changing! Changing a highly mobile, opinionated little person is hard work!

Last year I was plagued by "this time last year" syndrome, which is pretty universal amongst my mummy friends who have had similar experiences. I felt so paralysed by that time, I felt trapped in it, the emotions, the fear, and the guilt. Conversations replayed in my head, I felt paralysed, and found it very hard to move forward.

This year, its different, I think in a sense I have come to terms with it now, the illness I had, the need for Joseph to be born early, all that he went through to be here with me now. I feel I have made peace with it.

However, now I feel plagues by a whole new set of emotions. Babyhood is well and truly ending. Yes, Joseph is still a bit dependent on me, but with every passing week, we get closer to the time he will be going to school. Next year he'll start formal pre school and the year after, he will be gone, full time school.

I have two main anxieties in my head. The first is how far "behind" his peers he is. When someone asks how old he is, I still get the incredulous looks I used to get when he was tiny. I see other 2 year old boys and Joseph is no where near them in lots of ways. I know that developmentally he will catch up, and I can rationalise it, but it still scares me sometimes, that he will be behind for a long long time, and that I have made his life harder than it needs to be. That old guilt thing.

The second thing is, what will I do? How will I make this work? I always though after Joseph I'd have another baby, but clearly, this won't happen for us. I was planning to foster children, but we've been waiting a year now, and seemingly, no further forward than we were at our first application meeting.

I'm 39 next month. I feel stuck, and scared at what the future holds. I know I need to grab it and move forward, but I still have no idea what I want to do, who I want to be! And time is slipping away. All I ever wanted to be was a mum, and now I am, I realise that it may not be enough, and certainly won't pay the bills!

I don't want these lazy days of toddlerhood to end. I love my days, playing, singing, watching Joseph develop and learn new things every day. But they will end.

Time to start thinking about what the future holds and where to go to next!

My Baby Goes Beep!

I had never heard this song until today. It's by an American folk singer called Hugh Blumenfeld, who seems, from my brief research into his career, a very interesting bloke!

I've been wanting to write a post about how its different for mum's of premature babies. I know a lot of mummies at the moment who are going through the ordeal and delight which is the baby's first birthday. For a lot of mums this isn't always a happy event. When you've had a premature baby the days and weeks leading up to the birth may have been frightenint and bewlidering, even more so the days, weeks and months after the birth of the baby.

I really love this song, because its a happy one, I feel it celebrates the difference between having a premature baby (or a baby born too sick), rather than lamenting it. Perhaps now, its a better song for me than "Wires" my previous song I related to, because it has optimism, and a little humour.

My baby didn't cry, or gurgle, he beeped! And he had lots of little friends that beeped too. And that's a lovely thing. He wasn't alone! And I'm not either. I am part of a rich community who had babies that beeped, and we can all help each other work out what that means for us now, and to move beyond it.

My So-Called Friends - Toast the Chicken

The beautiful and somewhat crazy JoJo who blogs here has created a linky about friends, it looked great, so I thought I'd join in!

That, my friends, is a rubber chicken. This photo was taken at my wedding day. I didn't have one rubber chicken present on my wedding day. I think there were four.

I'm not really sure exactly how it happened, but one of my good friends at my previous workplace, Pete, had a rubber chicken at work. And every now and then, Pete would squeak the chicken. So one night, whilst working late, it seemed a good idea. I kidnapped the chicken. Poor Pete was so upset, and conducted a number enquiries, the funniest was accusing a manager of taking the chicken. Eventually I returned the chicken. I thought it was just a bit of fun, but poor Pete was quite upset!

My penalty, he said, was to carry the chicken up the aisle. I said I couldn't possibly but he could bring one to the wedding. Now I am sure I said one! When the minister indicated it was time to kiss the bride, that's when I heard it. A chorus of rubber chickens. Pete, his beautiful partner and three kids were, pardon the expression, choking the chickens!

Now, when rubber chickens appear at your wedding, what can you do? Embrace the chicken!

Now I am sure that chickens are not in the arsenal of every wedding planner, but maybe they should be! Pete and his chickens provided us with fun, entertainment, much needed noise (I mean 150 guests don't create enough noise without help do they?) and even impromptu rain covers.

So thank you Pete, for being my friend, for brightening up my working life, and for chickens!

Photos taken by the beautiful Jennifer Fee - a future subject!

Teeth

 

Why does no one warn you about toddlers and teeth? I thought teething happened to tiny babies, a bit of bonjela, plenty of cuddles, and teething would be a couple of days of pain and over and done with. How wrong can one person be?

Joseph had the first signs of teething at 6 months, loads of dribble, being unsettled, and grumpy. I found the array of teething measures quite daunting, and the first sign that teething may not, for some babies at least, be the simple process I thought it would be.

Joseph didn't get his first tooth until just before his first birthday. He now has thirteen, that's around a tooth a month! Joseph is a dreadful teether, I now use nurofen and calpol at night when its bad. The homeopathic teething granules (or "baby crack" as my friends call it) that I used to rely on now no longer works. I don't tend to use bonjela or other teething gels anymore, as Joseph's jaw resembles that of a Tasmanian devil, once he latches, he doesn't let go!

As well as "normal" teething symptoms, when its bad, Joseph gets a runny nose. At night this becomes "post nasal drip" that horrible liquid that drips down the back of your throat. In Joseph it causes "confusional arousal" and night terrors, which are horrendous, and go on for hours. Keeping on top of the teething pain, and managing the snot with a saline spray seem to help. No one ever warns you about just how much snot a small person can produce!!! Or the varying shades of green in which it comes!

The other thing, is teeth brushing. I started brushing Joseph's teeth as soon as the first one appeared, so you would think that after a year of twice a day brushing, he'd be used to it, not so. Until recently I have felt like a WWE wrestler, pinning Joseph down whilst attempting to get the brush in his mouth.

All this changed when we were away in Australia. In England I use an adult toothpaste. Our area has absolutely no fluoride in the water, so it is advised by our local NHS Trust dental advisor that we use a toothpaste with an adult level of fluroide 1400ppm or thereabouts. In Australia the water is heavily flouridated, so I used a child's toothpaste specially formulated.

In Australia Joseph learned the word "teeth". He would scoot to the bathroom pointing and saying "teeth" and grabbing the toothbrush out of my hands, and brushing his own teeth, and allowing me to finish them off. No screaming, no chasing, and no Hulk Hogan moves on my part either. I thought it was just a change of environment, and perhaps being a good boy for the grandparents!

So once we got back to the UK, and back to using adult toothpaste, the nightmare begun again. I concluded that it must be the toothpaste! So the dilemma, use a lower fluoride toothpaste and have an easier life, or use the adult one, and risk not being able to brush effectively.

I decided to go on an adventure to our local supermarket and investigate. There were a number of children's toothpaste, and finally I found one! A supermarket own brand, with 1450ppm of fluoride. To my horror, I discovered it was "strawberry ice cream" flavour. Never in my life did I think I would be the type of mother to buy "ice cream" flavour toothpaste. But I did put it in my trolley, pay for it, and bring it home.

And you know what, we're back to "teeth" pointing, smiling, and happily brushing teeth. If ice cream flavoured toothpaste is what it takes to make sure Joseph has the best start in happy, healthy teeth, then so be it!

On Guard! Q & A Meme

My lovely friend Jennie who writes the inspiring blog about her gorgeous twins has tagged me in this meme. I love reading memes and I discovered some intriguing things about Jennie, so perhaps you will learn something interesting about me too!


Which living person do you most admire and why?
This is a really hard one, but its actually my husband. My husband was born with a rare and debilitating condition, athrogryposis multiplex congenita. When you meet him, the first thing you notice is his booming voice, his generous smile and his gregarious nature. Walking is hard for him, his toes have grown under his feet, his legs don't have a good range of movement, and he has restricted movement in his hands. He works hard, he provides for us, and he never moans, well not about his condition anyway!!! He has travelled widely, and he's devoted his life to helping other people with disabilities, in his words not mine, "get off their arses and live a good life!".

When were you happiest?
7th August 2010, this was Joseph's corrected 1st birthday. We had been in our new house a few months, he was doing well with weight, and development (and still is) I had been off antidepressants for 3 months, I was in the process of being made redundant, and life was (and still is) very good. I finally allowed myself, at this point, to enjoy being a mummy, and started making plans for the future.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
I've had lots of these in my life, but the one that stands out was in high school. I was useless at any sporting endeavour. The only thing I could do a half decent job at was swimming, but I was still always last. So in grade 10, in the last ever sporting event I'd ever have to take part in, I started swimming in the 50 metre freestyle event. There I am, crawling away, and a rope is on the water, I lifted it up, and kept swimming. I had no idea that this rope meant that it had been a broken start and I was meant to turn around. I kept going. I could have caught Michael Klim the way I was swimming (he was probably in tiddlers for 3 year olds at the time), and then suddenly I feel a hand. I stopped, stood up, and someone I didn't know said "you need to turn back and start again". Mortified, I was too ashamed to get out and walk past the 1 000 people wetting themselves with laughter, so I swum back.

The race started again, and I had to turn back, the exertion was too much, and I was wheezing. Mr Mitchell, the beloved PE teacher who everyone fancied except me, fished me out, and put his arm around me. I got awared 1 point for starting 1 point for coming back and 3 points for trying again, these points went to our house score. I also was permitted to do the 25 metre race, only 3 people in it, I came second getting a further 5 points. So in total I got 10 points for our house, and if it hadn't happened I would have come last and only got one! Every cloud......


Aside from property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
It was my wedding dress. I shopped around quite a bit, but being *ahem* a larger lady, found that off the peg was not going to work for me. I went into a gorgeous shop called Bellissima, in our town, and the ladies there were just lovely. On hearing my budget £1000, they said, well, the sale rack is there, but its all size 12. That was never going to happen, so they persuaded me to consider revising it. "Show me anything that doesn't start with a 2" I said. And I found a beautiful Alan Hannah silk dress, and got it made to measure. It was perfect. The rest of our wedding was on a relative shoestring.


What is your most treasured possession?
My most treasured possession is my Kitchenaid mixer. I am a keen cook and had wanted one for a long time. I put it on our wedding list, not expecting anyone for a minute to pay almost £400 for a gift, but a lot of people gave us money or vouchers, and we were able to pay for it this way. I love the fact that its a gift from so many people, its pretty, its practical, and I use it often.

Where would you like to live? 
I don't know. I have no idea. I think, ideally, I'd love to live in Sicily, near Santo Stefano Di Camastra, in a little house, with a large vegetable garden and a path to the sea.

What’s your favourite smell? 
Lavender. My grandmother loved it and always had it growing, and she had lavender bags and lavender toileteries. When I miss her, I just have to smell it, and it reminds me of her.

Who would play you in the film of your life? 
Being a larger lady, I don't think there is a lot of choice. Kathy Bates? Perhaps not cuddly enough! Dawn French? She did a shocking Australian accent in a film Ben Elton wrote whose name escapes me, so she might be out. Toni Collete? She put on a lot of weight for Muriel's Wedding...I think she would be perfect! Of course in my head I look like Uma Thurman.....

What is your favourite book? 
I love autobiographies. My most recent one I loved was "The Happiest Refugee" by Anh Do, who was born in Vietnam, but raised in Australia. It's heart-wrenching, hilarious, sad, funny, happy and ulitmately life affirming. I really recommend it! One of the first in this sort of genre was Anne Davison's "Tell Me I'm Here" about her son with schizophrenia. I read it when I was just a teenager and it really informed me about mental illness, and the reality of living with conditions like this.


What is your most unappealing habit?
I have loads and loads I think! My husband says untidyness! Which I think is a little unfair. He just has no possessions, he's happy with a telly, a fridge and some clothes. I have stuff! So perhaps its hoarding....

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice? 
I'd be quite happy never ever to be invited to a fancy dress party. I think my ideal outfit would be an Arabian belly dancer! Bright, noisy, and you have to have a bust and a tummy to carry one off!

What is your guiltiest pleasure? 
It's Facebook. Its usurped cupcake baking and chocolate eating as my guiltiest pleasure! I just adore Facebook, I love renewing friendships, making new ones, and sharing photos. I just adore it, and its enriched my life. But it is a giant time suck, which is bad.

What do you owe your parents? 
I think the biggest thing is teaching me the art of resilience. My parents both individually and together have weathered quite a few storms, as have I, and I think my parents taught me that whatever you are going through, you just keep treading water, and hanging in there until trouble passes.

To whom would you most like to say sorry to and why? 
My ex husband. I married him for all the wrong reasons, I wanted stability and security, and I wanted to be the perfect wife. I wanted to settle down young, and have a family, and be happy. I was determined to make it work, and it didn't, and I'm deeply sorry that I wasn't more self aware in the first place, to realise that at 21 I was just too young, and needed to live a lot before I settled down.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
My gut feeling is to say Joseph. I think really its my family, can I say that or is that cheating? Joseph is the baby I never thought I'd have, Corey and I never thought we'd make a baby, and to have with us a miracle baby, born so small, so sick, who has just got on with it, overcoming every obstacle in his path, is just a complete joy. Having Joseph really taught me what love is.


What does love feel like?
I think swimming in the sea in Fiji sums up what love is like. The sun shining, but not harsh, the sea refreshingly temperate, almost warm, the sky and sea almost undiscernable from each other in colour, a peaceful South Pacific breeze - all these factors combined to make you feel safe, warm, and totally at peace.

What was the best kiss of your life? 
On our wedding day, in front of all our friends and family, when our vicar just gave us a knowing smile and a wink, and we kissed. It was perfect!

Which words or phrases do you most over use? 
My husband just said "Corey", he he, I guess I do say that a lot! I think I say "oh for goodness sake" a lot, and some of my Aussie phrases get overused at times!

What is the worst job you’ve done? 
When I first arrived in the UK I found it really easy to find a job, but really hard to find a good job. When you have no local knowledge and no friends, its hard to sort out the good from the bad. I took an awful job in an "ambulance chasing" law firm, although I didn't realise what it was. My job was to try and get people to make spurious claims against councils and employers. I lasted 6 weeks!

If you could change one thing from your past, what would you change? If you could edit your past, what would you change? 
I don't know. I wish in a sense I hadn't got married at 21, but if I hadn't then the course of my life wold be unrecognisable, but if I could edit that out, and the hurt and anguish it caused, and still end up where I am now, then that would be good.

What is the closest you’ve come to death? 
In pregnancy, Dr K reckons I was six hours away from death. I am very fortunate that I had pre eclampsia that has a very good treatment protocol, and I was fine. My heart goes out to those women, especially in developing countries, that do not have the access to medical facilities and personnel. I never forget that pre eclampsia still kills women every year.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
I don't feel like I've achieved what I'm here for yet.....but I'm not sure what that is. I think my greatest achievement is parenting Joseph and getting through post traumatic stress disorder and not being a complete raving looney!

When did you last cry and why? 
Yesterday, watching the video of Joseph walking. I never thought the day would come, and it seemed so ordinary to see him pottering in the garden, but so utterly extraordinary too. Tears of pride and relief.

How do you relax? 
Winding down in front of the telly with the lap top on my knee either blogging or chatting is my favourite relaxation. I also love to have a nice walk with Joseph, and love playing in the park with him, but perhaps my favourite relaxing activity is cuddling on the bed, all four of us, husband, Joseph and Atticus Woo (the cat) and reading Joseph his 3 bed time stories.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life? 
Having an extra £500 a month. How I miss maternity pay. I love our life, and I am grateful that my husband has a good job, but an extra bit of income would make all the diffeence. Must really start looking for a job!

What is the most important lesson life has taught you? 
That it all comes out in the wash. However bad things seem, however sad you are, however frightened, that things have a way of working out, not always in the way you expect, but you get through it, somehow.

Now to tag, I am tagging my good friend Simone at SFR Product Reviews, who as well as a lovely, generous mummy blogger, lives nearby to me and has become a very good in real life friend!

 
 

Walking!

Cheeky child, reading my blog when he should be napping!

Can't Walk? Won't Walk?

From the time he was 9 months old, I learnt very quickly with Joseph that there is what Joseph can do and he won't do. Joseph didn't sit unsupported until he was almost 12 months old. Then one day, the 23rd April to be precise, he just sat. No falling, no toppling, sitting comfortably. Two days later he sat playing with toys in a museum. On the third day he sat unsupported in the bath. For half an hour. You can't tell me he couldn't sit before the 23rd April, I am sure he could, he just wouldn't until he could do it reliably without making a fool of himself.

Crawling was exactly the same. He commando crawled for ages, then in July 2010 at the grand old age of 14 months, we were on holiday. He was commando crawling outside, realised his tummy was being scratched, and he decided to normal crawl.

He didn't pull to stand til 15 months, and moving around took a lot longer.

Now this delay in meeting milestones has alarms ringing in our consultant's head, because it's one of the markers of Cerebral Palsy,(CP) in isolation it probably just means that other things are on Joseph's priority list and his prematurity means that he will be delayed, however some conclusions have been drawn by her, that fortunately are not shared by the two physiotherapists in the two countries we have seen one! The consultant did appear slightly miffed that Joseph doesn't have Global Developmental Delay. She tried to get him to walk with her hands "No walk, no no NO" said Joseph - thanks little man!

Their conclusion, which is the same, apart from the fact these two therapists have never met, is that Joseph has some hypermobility in his joints, which is impeding his ability to bear weight and to walk. Again, this can be sign that something is wrong, often in CP what can start as hypermobility then goes the other way, into spasticity and rigid muscles. They are both of the opinion that Joseph's hypermobility is just due to his prematurity and as he starts to bear weight more, will settle down.

It is difficult for me at the moment. I am going into that "this time last year" syndrome I had last year, and possibly will every year, that I will blog about in due course. But in a nutshell, that awful sensation that this is all my fault. That my inability to carry Joseph to term, in a non toxic environment, has made his life difficult, more difficult than it should be. Our consultant isn't great at differential diagnosis. Once she has an idea in her head, that's it. Afterall Joseph was the child whose stomach was so badly damaged, that he would never eat and would be tube fed for life. I also had to fight against aggressive tests when Joseph was experiencing "seizures", that were not seizures at all, but that's another story. So trying to tell her "look, yes I agree it could be CP, but I think its just down to his prematurity" is not working.

I am finding it wearing trying to fight for my child. Deep down, if I ask myself, do I think he has CP? My gut instinct is telling me he absolutely does not, that he's doing what he always does, and waiting for his moment to shine. And I'm not ignorant about such things. I worked with adults with disabilities when I first had a job after university. For five years. And four of these chaps were premature, born in the 1950's and 1960's when the treatments at birth were not as good as they are now. All four of these chaps had CP, in varying degrees of severity but all were wheelchair bound.

Joseph is doing steps, its just not at all his preferred method of getting around. However, yesterday, after crawling all over a shopping centre whilst we were having morning tea with a good friend of ours, he then turned it on when we met my husband at his office. Joseph happily walked (although he looked like he'd had a couple of pints!) between desks, and generally had a ball.

Joseph's consultant does not find it significant that Joseph comes from a lengthy tradition of late walkers, I didn't walk til 2 and a half. My husband didn't walk until 4, but he had underlying issues. I think its very significant personally.

I feel a bit upset because I always said I wouldn't at all be concerned until Joseph was 2 corrected, which isn't until August. I did ask the consultant to hold off, but she refused. So here we are, going through appointments, fitting for orthotics, and I think, wasting NHS money to cure a problem that doesn't exist.

So please, Joseph, when we attend orthotics in two weeks, then, my little man, could be your time to shine! And save the NHS some much needed cash!

EDIT: Joseph can read - I wrote this at around 8am this morning. At 2pm Joseph walked from our local supermarket to the pharmacy and back again. Without holding hands.