The Element of Surprise

Amy from  Nearly Everything but the Kitchen Sink sent me the most amazing post, 2000 words, and it was wonderful. I have asked her to abridge it and publish the full version on her own blog at a later date. Truly amazing story.

I was 23 and had recently graduated. Life was busy. The only hitch was the consistent bleeding I was experiencing. “Stress,” my GP repeated airily. But I wasn’t stressed I thought uneasily.

I awoke with a dull ache I couldn’t put my finger on and uncomfortable cramping.. “Oh you too?” my colleague said sympathetically. “There’s been a tummy bug going round the building like that.”. By the afternoon I was being sick and struggling to maintain any composure at all. Gratefully, I collapsed in bed with a hot water bottle and paracetomal which barely touched the sides of my malaise. I heard my housemate come and go again. Suddenly a strange feeling and new urge washed over me. I ran to the bathroom and discovered to my horror that something else entirely was going on and there, as I meet the most miniature foot I could imagine. 

The world clicked into slow motion and me as I knew myself drifted above seemingly to watch over the proceedings in abject horror and disbelief. Far below me, a young girl still in her work clothes was there all alone, with a breeze lightly whistling through the open window, delivering a breech premature baby.

I was a shell going through actions I could not comprehend, things I knew nothing about automatically like a robot. A tiny cry pierced the room. Time stood still. The girl grabbed a towel, off the radiator and wrapped it clumsily around the baby. The noise had stopped and the umbilical cord now felt slimy and cold. Seconds ticked by.

Hello, you’re through to emergency services. Which service do you require…?

Brash sirens ripped through the eerie quiet and a loud bang indicated the paramedics had broken in. I stood there numb; they took the infant and left as quickly as they arrived. I had no idea if she was alive or had passed away.

NICU is like a horrific game of snakes and ladders but with your own children. But for me, the hardest thing was coming to terms with the fact that literally in an instant I had gained a child. She might have been born just before 28 weeks, but I had not even had 28 minutes to come to terms with expecting a baby. 

My overpowering emotion throughout the stay was one of intense shame and guilt. I think all, or most preemie parents or indeed any who have had a child on SCBU can identify with some level of guilt. My own personal conflict was that the one womanly job I was biologically designed for I had screwed up. I couldn’t even register I was carrying a child, far less that the pregnancy was running into serious problems eventually culminating preterm labour. The lack of time for bonding, whether with a bump, a splodge on a scan photograph or being able to moon over nursery essentials in preparation hit me hard. I was so desperate to love and protect this tiny being in an incubator, but my brain could just not compute that she was mine. How would I ever be worthy enough of this beautiful wriggly little girl?

Slowly I became more confident. When I held her, it felt like part of me was complete. As much as a parent is the epitome of safety for their children, in the early days Wriggles also became that rock for me. She brought me back from the brink when no one else could. I remember a friend remarking once when she came to visit with me, that I looked like I had “come alive” when with  her. To this day, I consider that one of the best compliments. For so long, I felt I was pretending at being a mum that for someone else to recognise my love and devotion was like a weight off my shoulders. 

Although I am proud and firm in being the only mama available for Wriggles, I still balk at the beginning we had. It is something I will never forget, and I suspect in some ways, will never truly get over. But as the days go by and my little girl becomes slightly less little, it is harder to begrudge it against myself. There are days, like today, when she hurls herself at me and head-butts my shoulders in eagerness for a cuddle and I think that maybe, it doesn’t matter. By hook or by crook, our children are born and it is what happens next that matters. And I fully intend to make our next as brilliant as I can.

After reading inspiring preemie-parenting blogs shortly after my daughter was born on the cusp of 28 weeks, desperately trying to grasp some sense that I was normal, just struggling, I finally gave blogging of my own a go just before my little girl turned 1. My tiny little corner of the internet has become a haven for when I get scrambled up or want to revel in Wriggles’ (so called because she has never been able to sit still) achievements. Since coming out of NICU, our journey has had its ups and downs, some more notable than others, and we still have some battles to fight that will not be resolved anytime soon. I am the proud single mama of possibly the funniest, cleverest, prettiest (apart from yours….and yours) little girl who is about to turn two and won’t let anything stand in her path

Haiku of Premature Birth

I am currently on holiday and have left my blog in the capable hands of my favourite bloggers. First up is the lovely K from Mummy Pinkwellies. 

When the gorgeous Kylie asked me to do a guest post over on her blog I agreed immediately. What an honor and not an opportunity to be missed.

But then I panicked, I have so much on at the moment with annual accounts needing sending off to the accountant, a full diary and all sorts of other stuff to do I’ve hardly had time to keep up with my own blog, let alone anyone else’s.

But then I came across The voice of Sarah MilesHaiku of Me idea and it got me to thinking.

A Haiku is a Japanese poem. It is 3 lines long and is made up of just 17 syllables in 3 phrases of 5, 7 and 5. So:

Line 1 – 5 syllables

Line 2 – 7 syllables

Line 3 – 5 syllables

I completed the Haiku of me and this is my Haiku of Littlebit’s premature birth. I think a few short sentences really can say an awful lot. You don’t need many words to say it all.

Haiku of Littlebit’s premature birth

10 weeks early. Fear.

Separation. Expressed milk.

Fear. Hope. Prayer. Faith. Love.

So, I’m Katherine, mostly known as K and I blog as Mummy Pinkwellies. I blog about:

* all things toddler

* being a mummy to a feisty 30 week preemie
* life in the small market town of Hinckley
* my campaign and fundraising work for Bliss – for babies born too soon, too small, too sick and Tommy's - researching problems in pregnancy
* the things that annoy me
* the things that I love

amongst other stuff and probably a fair bit of fluff.

I am a doting stay at home mama to Littlebit, seen below. Born at 30 weeks gestation, weighing just 2lb 4.5oz Littlebit is a little fighter. After spending 8 weeks on the NICU and SCBU she came home and life hasn’t been the same since.

Scrapbooking - Does it Really Matter

The blogging world is a very busy one, and I used to quickly chat to Kerry occasionally on Twitter, but it wasn't until the passing away of her daughter Rihanna that we really connected. Kerry is a very talented scrapbooker and I am pleased she has shared about the importance of memory keeping.

 

Picture the scene, the sun is shining, the bags are packed and the picnic is ready. You pile your children into the car, all laughing and smiling and at your happiest, your partner gets in beside you starts the car and your journey to the beach begins. 

It doesn’t take you long, until you are finally there, finding a spot on the beach. Unpacking your stuff, putting sun cream on the children and getting ready for the day ahead. The children are laughing, running around, playing and having great fun. They are in the sea, out of the sea, eating, jumping around and getting your all involved in everything they are doing. 

It is a great day, one that has resulted in lots of fun, and lots of memories, things that you will never forget. You don’t need to take photos of the day; they are all in your head. Making you smile just remembering them. You don’t need to scrapbook them, why would you? Everything you created today will last a lifetime. 

But what if…

Your child was born and spent the first few months in hospital and everything that was happening to you was a complete and utter blur? What if even worse than that, like us you don’t even get those months in hospital? 

We had a few precious hours with our little girl, she was born sleeping. So in just hours we had to create enough memories for myself and her father to last a lifetime. But as well as our own memories, we had to create enough moments, for her big brother (who at three was too young to see her), her grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and for any future siblings she will have to share with us as well. 

We didn’t have long, and we had to remember everything important about her. We took photos, we took lots. But that wasn’t her full story. 

Her story started six months previous to this. It started when we first found out we were pregnant, her story was not just about the few hours that we spent with her and we needed to record all of her memories. 

We decided to create a scrapbook for her. Scrapbooking isn’t just about sticking photos into an album; it is about creating your story. Our little girl had a story, she had her little life and her scrapbook tells all of it. 

We have included notes of our feelings when we found out we were pregnant, the dates that we went for checks. What was said by the midwife and how we felt throughout the pregnancy.

It will tell the upsetting story of us finding out, and her birth, yes they are not happy events, but they are still her events. Yes at the moment they are still not included, they are too hard to write. But they will be in there as that is her story and they will be followed by all of her pictures. There are 40 in all. Not a huge amount, and probably should have been more. But everything was a complete blur, now three months on, we can work out what happened and at what time, it is all important, it all defines her and it is all going in her scrapbook. 

But it isn’t even just about the facts and figures. We had over 100 messages of support when we told people our news. Everyone has been copied, and printed out and they will all be put in her scrapbook. Her life may have been short but it affected lots of people and she touched so many hearts and we both want her brother and family to know how many lives she touched. All of these things are important to making her alive and remembering everything about her. 

The support will be in the album, pride of place showing how much she was loved. 

Her memories don’t stop there. We have pictures of things we do to remember her, events that we will do in the future to raise some money and pictures of the things we have brought her.

Scrapbooks are places to record the important things in your lives, and to keep all your memorabilia and photos in one place. 

Imagine once again, your eldest child is in their twenties and they ask you about their sister, the angel in their lives. They want to know how it felt, the dress that she wore and who held her first. What if you couldn’t quite remember the answer, what if it had slipped your mind. You will never get that back.

However if it was all in a scrapbook it would never be forgotten the truth would never be lost, and your little girl will always be looked at and loved dearly through her scrapbook. 

Maybe next time do take that camera, put them in the scrapbook at the end of the day and sit there and write about how special your children made you feel today, how much they made you laugh, and how it was a fantastic day all getting on and having fun. Write the truth let them know exactly how you felt as in years to come, this book, those moments, those feelings will mean everything to your child and their children. So make sure your memories can be passed on and on forever and ever!

Well I am Kerry, in 2005 I met Mr L and we quickly moved into together and in 2008 we had Baba. I started blogging in 2009 when I first started my writing course. I wanted somewhere to write about all the things that Baba did, and how we coped as a family with Mr L working every hour under the sun, and I working from home, looking after a little one. In 2011 I set up my own Scrapbooking business, Scrapbookerry which has gone from strength to strength in the first year and is having lots of new products and services added regularly. 

In November 2011 we found out we were expecting our second child and in March 2012 we found out that it was a little girl at the 20 week scan and our family was complete, or so we thought. Unfortunately Rhianna Lily passed away and was born sleeping on the 23^rd March 2012. Our lives have changed dramatically, and my blogging has changed dramatically, but the love we all have for each other and my passion for my business and my passion to get everyone in the world scrapbooking has only grown and increased. 

It is so important that everyone records everything in their lives, some memories only last moments, but they affect us for ever and should never be forgotten but should be passed on and on. 

You can find me blogging about our family life at www.andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou.com

You can find me blogging about Rhianna Lily at

www.andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou.com/rhiannalily/

I also run a crafting blog at

www.scrapbookerry.wordpress.com

To get all the information about Scrapbookerry and all the services we offer please check out

www.scrapbookerry.com

Releasing the Lava

Today's guest post comes from the amazing Diary of a Premmy Mum. I really admire her, and think her blog has an honesty and openess I can't seem to capture. Thank you for contributing this heartfelt post.

Well it's a great privilege to be back over here on Not even a Bag of Sugar, but what do you blog about when Kylie has pretty much covered it all? So if you'll pardon the self involvement I'm going to post today in true diary of a premmy mum style, about counselling if you please, and how I feel it helped me.

Just before leaving the NICU, I was lucky enough to access a councillor, provided for me by the hospital free of charge. I remember walking in to that first session, still numb, shocked and anxious. I had no idea what to say but I know I feared exposure. I'm not talking about the therapist flashing her bra and knickers, no, I'm talking about being snapped in two when you are already a broken woman.

Yet still in all the madness I knew that there was a fat back log of issues waiting to download. An intense pressure burning within - It ran through me like hot volcanic lava waiting to erupt and disseminate into luminous puddles of agony.

But the mind wasn't geared up to spew, not at that moment in time anyway. We were in stand by mode you see, a natural state of ambivalence from having to be strong for too long.

And the issues that burned inside, they couldn't be seen or understood. But they were everything that I ran away from and everything I fought against but still truly, I knew they were a part of the new me and that I would need to work hard to understand all that had happened and all that I had feared.

Before walking in to that first session I quickly Googled the impact of prematurity on post natal mothers and found this statement.

'Mothers of premature infants may experience feelings of anger, guilt or disappointment'

So I sat down like a robot, my demeanour one of a woman of confidence, togetherness and reflexivity and I told the counsellor  lady straight out that I was Mother of a premature infant, that I am experiencing feelings of Anger, guilt and disappointment.

Of course what I actually felt was beyond words, beyond definition, beyond my understanding. But to state that would make me feel powerless, and I felt strangely obliged to feel something as well as the need to demonstrate a level of competency control and understanding. All of which were abundantly lacking.

We are eighteen months down the line now and still I attend counselling every two weeks.
With the kind and gentle guidance of my counsellor I feel I have grown in to many of those feelings I laid out, the ones I set as parameters for, for growth and understanding.

And now I see the lava on the floor that poured out, drip by drip by drip. There is no burning pressure, there was no great eruption.

Just sneaky, hot, spiky lava

Drip by drip by drip.

I'm glad I went to counselling. 

My name is Leanna and I am currently a full time- stay -at home Mum to Mr. G and Baby-Roo (Smidge) We live in a lovely farmhouse in Devon with my long term partner and soon- to -be hubby Stephen. Our home is beautifully nestled in a tarmacked field, the chickens being the only living survivors of a capitalist overhaul. In this diary I offer a personal account of what it is like to have a baby born at 25 weeks gestation,weighing in at a teeny 1lb 7oz. Watch this space and see me scribble about our everyday muddles and struggles. Share my funniest thoughts, my silliest ideas and all my ranty ramblings as the aftermath takes hold and corrupts my fragile mind..

Funky Wall Stickers - Binary Box Review

We moved into our house 2 years ago, and we've been so busy, we just haven't had much of a chance to make a mark on it. The only room that was decorated was Joseph's bedroom, with some pirate stickers. The lovely people at Binary Box asked me to review their range of stickers. I was given a £35 voucher to spend.

It took me a long time to choose as the stickers are amazing. The range is vast. These are stickers for grown ups. The designs are suitable for children's rooms too, but they're not babyish and that really appealed to me. So first of all I chose some stars for Joseph's room. He had a huge blank spot above his bed. I'd had great plans to make a wall quilt, but then I discovered blogging, and all craft work has gone by the wayside!

The stickers come on a big sheet.

 The instructions are really easy. The stickers are on a backing paper covered by an application sheet. You rub the sheet first with a credit card to make sure the sticker are firmly adhered to the application sheet. You then peel the backing sheet off, hold the application paper to the wall, rub the sticker with your hand, and hey presto!

I put the stickers around the existing pirates, Joseph declared they are now space pirates, cool hey? I love the stars, and when I remove the pirates eventually the stars will remain. They really were the ideal solution for that space. 

 Next my little apprentice and I moved on to our bedroom. He proves it is possible to DIY with a toddler! I love these birds and the paisely pattern is gorgeous!

The birds really brighten up that space, and the colours are lovely without being too girly.

I have to say I was really impressed with how easy the stickers were to apply. I don't do heights, and my husband and I haven't been in the same room long enough for weeks to do anything together, so doing it on my own with Joseph was a bit daunting, but it really was a quick and easy project.

I now have my eye on some of the larger ones once we have removed the awful vinyl wall paper in our living room, and am torn between the astronaught and the world map once we move Joseph to his big boy's bedroom.

I really love the stickers and will definitely be a repeat customer!

The stars are £19.99 and are available in a range of colours.

The birds are £24.99

I really love Binary Box and will definitely be back!

Back to School with Nordic Naturals

Some of you may know that Joseph has become the world's fussiest eater. That's possibly an exaggeration, as I am sure, somewhere, there must be someone worse than him. He is picky and his diet has become quite restrictive. He will fruit, cheese and bread and anything else is rather hit and miss. We've been advised to supplement his diet with vitamins.

One thing that really worries me is his fish intake. Joseph used to adore fish. When he was weaning, up until he was about 20 months, he would eat all sorts of fish, and especially loved salmon and tuna. Now he won't even let it in his mouth. Unless its a fish finger. And he won't touch the salmon fish fingers. It's really frustrating. Essential fatty acids can only come from the diet, our bodies can't manufacture them. The best sources are anchovies, sardines and cod. I have no chance of Joseph eating sardines on toast!

I know loads of parents are in the same boat as me, knowing exactly what sort of food their children need to be healthy, to do well at school and to grow into healthy grown ups, but carrying this mission out is very difficult.

I am aware of the importance of Omega 3, as its proven to help in boosting the immune system and in brain development. 
 
Recently I was sent some Nordic Omega 3 Gummies distributed by Vital Life International. At first I was a bit sceptical. Joseph's formula was fortified with fish oil, as there is lots of evidence that Omega 3 is important for brain development, especially in premature babies. The fish oil did leave a bit of a weird taste and the formula was an odd texture.

I needn't have worried. The gummies were immediately accepted by Joseph! They are orange flavoured, not overly sweet, and certainly don't taste fishy at all. Joseph now lines up in the morning for his "little oranges". I find the gummies (his multivitamin is a gummy too) is much easier than the drops. Joseph had been on vitamin drops for a long time, but they truly are revolting and now he's older he just refuses them. I've tried disguising them in juice and smoothies, but this is much easier.

My own thoughts on vitamin supplementation is that if kids have a great balanced diet and eat a variety of foods, then that's fabulous and maybe you don't need to supplement. But if you have a picky fussy child the Nordic Omega 3 Gummies are great.
 
The gummies are available from Vital Life, the ones we tried were the Tangerine gummies. 

Nordic Berries - Citrus	180 berries	£17.49
Nordic Omega-3 Gummies - Tangerine	60 gummies	£17.49
Omega-3 Worms - Strawberry	30 worms	£19.89

Best Beginnings Blogathon - November 16th and 17th

Best Beginnings - My Journey

 My journey with Best Beginnings started over a year ago. I answered a call on the Bliss messageboard looking for parents who could help with a new DVD project for parents who have had a baby that requires neonatal care. I was excited to help. I became part of a panel, a virtual panel, of 100 parents all viewing and giving opinions on rough cuts of the footage to be used in the DVD.

I won't lie, it was hard to watch. Not only was it difficult to see these tiny babies, some of who on the edge of life, some who sadly passed away, it was difficult to see examples of truly brilliant neonatal care. There were babies having skin to skin care still on ventilation and CPAP, there were babies being given tube feeds by their parents. On our unit these things very rarely happened, and if they did, it was entirely dependent on which nurse you happened to have been assigned that day. This DVD reinforced my feelings of disappointment and feeling let down.

I was encouraged, though, that this is precisely what the Small Wonders DVD is aimed to do. It's purpose is to inform and empower parents and staff, and to address these imbalances in neonatal care. Best Beginnings have not just produced a DVD, they have constructed a change programme with the buy in of units around the country, through Best Beginnings Champions, specially trained staff, who can help parents view the DVD and work with them to ensure they are giving their babies the best start in life.

What I truly love about the Small Wonders project is it is aimed at putting the family in the centre of that babies care, not on the periphery.

Best Beginnings Blogathon

I have picked November 17 as this is World Prematurity Day.

The blogathon will commence on November 16th at 7pm. It will finish on November 17th at 8pm.

I will be blogging for a continuous period of 25 hours, sharing a post every 15 minutes.

The posts will be on this blog Best Beginnings Blogathon  which contains some more information. I will use this blog as a back up should anything go wrong!

I will blog around the topics of the DVD, and will use other stories too.

How can you help?

I would love you to join in on your own blog, before the day to raise awareness of what I'm doing, and during the Blogathon, that would be amazing.

I would love you to tweet, to share on your social media networks, tell your friends, tell anyone!

Donations

I am "selling" space for you to tell your story. Full details are on the specific blog, but spaces cost a suggested donation of £5, and you can have as many slots as you like. You can, of course, donate more if you want.

You can sponsor me, either per hour or a donation.

I am also happy to host advertising space on the blog. I am hoping that this blog will be read throughout the 25 hours and in the lead up to the event. I would also anticipate the blog being there forever and being used as a resource. Advertising space is a one off donation of £25 minimum, of course you can donate whatever you like. I will also credit you on this blog too.

Donations of prizes would also be appreciated, I would love to offer some small incentives during the 24 hour period.

I am really looking forward to this and hope that we can raise £5000 for Best Beginnings. Thank you to all for your support.