I'm a GEM - Grumpy Elderly Mum

I'm coming up to a birthday soon, one year before a major milestone birthday....and it doesn't start with 2 or a 3. When I was a teenager I used to baby sit a little girl who was 3, and her mum was quite hip and young, unlike my own parents, and I vowed I wouldn't be an older mum, and certainly wouldn't be a grumpy one. Wrong. Here I am, a GEM. Here are some things that make me grumpy!

CGI Children's Programmes - My son has developed a Toto obsession - Thomas the Tank Engine. I can't watch it, it's wrong. In the words of the great Aaron Harvie of Masterchef Australia, just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. What's wrong with old fashioned animation? Yes its time consuming, you probably can't do the clever things that you can do with CGI, but it just makes me grumpy. Quality over quantity for me every time!

Bells and Whistles Baby Toys - Bouncy chairs that play a song, conduct a light orchestra on the ceiling, give the baby a back massage, playmats that sing and dance and have 50 million bells and whistles on them, things that buzz, and flash and make noise, and for which you never have the right batteries. Joseph had a basic bouncy chair and no play mat to speak of, and he's just fine. I think sometimes we're in danger of creating children who need something electric to keep them amused, and it starts too young. Just my opinion of course, and not to denigrate those who love such things, just not for me!

Toys with Television Tie ins - I'm as guilty of this as anyone. I posted about Joseph's birthday presents, but it was impossible to buy an easel that met my requirements that didn't have branding on it. It's hard to buy a toddler train or car or firetruck that isn't Thomas, Rory or Fireman Sam. And yes I know them all. As I type this Joseph is posting letters in his Postman Pat van.

Processed Toddler Food - Now I know this is a sensitive area. I am a stay at home mum, and have time to cook, and I know a lot of people don't. But is it really necessary to have specifically branded toddler food? Surely by the time they are toddlers little people should be eating what their parents are eating? Is it really necessary to have all these refrigerated meals, and toddler snacks cluttering up the shelves? And none of this stuff is cheap. A quick meal for Joseph is fish fingers, chips and peas, or a platter of cheese, meat, bread and veggies. Snacks are fruit or the very occasional bag of wotsits, a box of raisins, or a biscuit.

Soft Play Centres - I have a ground breaking business idea. A clean soft play area, with plenty of staff supervising, healthy food that people genuinely want to eat, and a "bring your own food" policy. Every soft play I have been to has been difficult with Joseph, its getting easier now he's walking, but I've never been able to go to one without my blood pressure rising. Except one. Springolino's in Germany. The food is good, you can bring your own, you can cater your own party there if you want to. The areas are huge, and well supervised. Why can't they all be like this?

Franchised Baby and Toddler classes - There's a new one of these popping up every week, music classes, signing classes, sensory classes. I do think there is a place for formal learning, but for babies? I'm not so sure. I think sometimes a  lot of pressure is put on parents to attend these things, but what I really object to is the cost! Some of these classes are just cost prohibitive and often they don't go for more than an hour. And a lot you have to play by term block, which I have always avoided, babies get sick, or have days where they want to sleep. What also annoys me is that as SureStart centres close, or are put under immense funding pressure, the classes are often the only opportunity parents have to meet other parents and to socialise, and for those of us on limited incomes, they are not always within our reach.

Dining Out with a Toddler - Back in the 1970s when I was a toddler, you ordered a half or even quarter portion of a main meal. Nearly everywhere I've eaten with Joseph has been "*** and chips" or margarita pizza. Hardly anything ever comes with vegetables. It's not this way in Europe and I've had no problems when travelling in Germany or France ordering healthy kids meals. And its was reasonably easy in Australia too. Also the other thing that makes me grumpy is that said "kids meals" are often enormous. Very few places size things appropriately for under 5's.

I have possibly ranted enough, but pleae tell me I'm not the only GEM, and perhaps I have some GYM's too! (Grumpy Young Mums!)

Me 2 Years On

I have joined a really interesting facebook group called Breastmilk for Preemies and today we were talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and having had a baby prematurely. It was one of the first things I ever blogged about. You can read about it here

At the time of writing that piece I was still on Citalopram, the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug that helped me move on from what had happened. It gave me my brain back.

I wanted to explain more about what had happened to me mentally and my recovery and how it differed from depression. I am not a clinician, and this is not intended to be an exploration of the differences between PTSD and postnatal depression (PND) but merely an explanation of how it was for me.

I was really confused at first, when Joseph came home. Having had depression before, I knew I wasn't depressed. I felt totally in love with my baby, I really enjoyed having him home, I loved watching him, caring for him and doing things for him. I loved being a mum, and was really wanting to enjoy motherhood.

I was highly anxious. I had intrusive thoughts - what if there was something wrong with him that had been missed? What if I have an accident in the house, spill coffee on him, or drop him? I was having very graphic nightmares. I started avoiding sleep at night, and only sleeping in the day. I was very difficult to talk to. I found it hard to relate to my husband. I had no enjoyment of anything that wasn't related to Joseph. I also found it very difficult to leave behind hospital. Conversations played back in my head over and over. I kept wondering if I could have done things differently. And I was completely tortured about breastfeeding. I felt an utter failure, and felt very angry and disappointed with myself.

Once I opened up to the support worker at our local SureStart centre, and then got the courage up to see my GP, things started to improve, but very slowly. The psychiatrist I saw explained that all the trauma I had gone through over the years, right back to being bullied at school, had built up, layer upon layer, and Joseph's birth had tipped me over the edge. She felt therapy and medication was the way to go. She was thrilled I wasn't breastfeeding, as the medication she felt was best is not compatible with breastfeeding, so I felt better, that because it hasn't worked out, I had the opportunity to take this medication and feel better.

The side effects of citalopram were annoying. The funniest was it made me feel hot. I remember going to see the GP for a review in December, there was snow on the ground, and I was in a t-shirt sweating buckets. She just laughed! It also zapped my sex drive completely, which initially didn't bother me, but later on, was  problem, particularly as my husband had had a vasectomy to prevent further pregnancy, and seemingly, with me on this drug, there was no need.

But the medication stopped the nightmares in their tracks. I stopped having flashbacks. My concentration got better and better. It really worked for me.

But the real key was the support woker at the centre, and also my friends, particularly the friends I had made on the unit. Their support and friendship, and the fact that they hadn't been traumatised by the experience, really helped me to get things back in perspective.

I feel now that I have recovered from the PTSD. I stopped the medication a year ago. I did have a bit of a wobble a couple of months ago, when Joseph was under investigation for the walking issue, but I feel fine now.

I will always be a little sad, that Joseph had a tough start. And I am sad I can't have more children. At the moment its particularly hard, I think the 2 year point has struck a chord as many of my friends that gave birth in May 09 have new babies or are pregnant, and that will never be me. I feel sad that I never got the full pregnancy experience, and that so many things were taken from us. I still, at times, think "why me" and then get over it.

I can see now that we are so blessed, I am blessed, to have such a perfect little boy (ok a normal, tantrumming, delightful, challenging 2 year old) and wonderful husband, and my brain back.

This Is Serious Mum - No Child Born to Die

I don't think anyone likes taking their baby for the immunisations. Watching them being stuck by a needle is not nice, hearing them cry. But we take them because we know that the devastating effect of childhood diseases is far worse than a short sharp prick with a needle. But we are lucky. Vaccinations are free. There is a well defined programme in countries like the UK and Australia. We don't need to worry about our children dying needlessly of conditions that can be easily prevented.

Usually being tagged in a meme makes me nervous. Will anyone care what my most embarrassing moment was, or what I eat for breakfast. But this time I am honoured to be tagged by the lovely Jane at Northern Mum 
You can learn more about the inspiration behind this at Red Ted Art

This meme challenge is to support the work of Save the Children 's No Child Born to Die campaign. 1 in 5 children in the world receive no vaccinations at all. David Cameron is hosting a meeting of world leaders in London, and Save the Children are using this as an opportunity to highlight the funding shortfall, and get these important people to do something about it.

The Challenge

1) Get your child to either draw or craft a self portrait of themselves now or in the future.
2) Sign the Save the Children petition and then pass it onto your friends
3) Write a blog post about it as soon as possible, including info about Save the Children and the petition. We want as many people linked up AND signed up the petition by Sunday 29th May 2011
4) Tag 8 fellow blogger friends
5) Come back and link up your posts, so we can all share your craftiness
6)If you have time, visit each other posts and say hello!

So Joseph was up for the challenge.

 My question to him was what does he want to be in the future. To me it looks a bit like the portrait of a punk rocker! Or perhaps the vertical lines just indicate he's aiming high, I don't know.

What I do know is that throught he vast amount of medical support Joseph received as a baby, and through preventative medicine, Joseph's future is bright.

I'm going to wimp out with the tagging, and tag 4

Beyond the Boob


SFR Product Reviews

Edspire - Esther and William in the World


Small Victories

 

What to Buy a 2 Year Old Boy

I was looking at my stats the other day, not something I do often, and a few people have been led to my blog searching under google for gift ideas for 2 year old boys.

Joseph turned 2 two weeks ago, so now the dust has settled on his new toys, which ones have been a hit?

By far the biggest success has been this easel. I didn't buy it because of the branding, which is, thankfully very subtle. It's incredibly sturdy, and has stood up to two toddlers thumping the dickens out of it carefully depicting scenes in chalk. On the other side is a white board. For under £20, this is a fantastic gift, and the home assembly required is, thankfully, very simple. One of the reasons I decided on an easel was to encourage his standing, and its been really helpful for Joseph to have this to focus on whilst he's standing.

To accompany the easel I bought these super washable Crayola markers Joseph got marker everywhere, on his clothes, hands, face, and it washed off with ease! The colours are very pretty too.

Joseph loves cars, and we bought a selection of die cast metal cars and a train, just from our local toyshop. He loves cars that fit into his hand that he can push around.

Animals are a favourite here, and we bought him the Playmobil 123 Noah's Ark which he loves. All the figurines fit into the ark and it has a handle, and as we do quite a lot of travelling we thought this was the ideal toy for him. He is just starting to say animal names, so its great for his language development too.

Other things that have been a hit are piles of books. He loves his bed time story, particularly rhyming stories. We bought him a couple of Julia Donaldson books - Night Monkey Day Monkey and Stick Man, as well as "Each Peach Pear Plum" one of my favourites when I was a little girl.

I also quite like having DVDs and we bought him Pingu and Yo Gabba Gabba. I was quite delighted to discover that Yo Gabba Gabba has been re dubbed for the English market, and gone are the really annoying American accents that were on the version we watched in Australia.

By shopping wisely we were able to get quite a few things for Joseph's birthday without breaking the bank. I think with toddlers "more is more" lots of little things are a good idea, for toddlers with short attention spans!

Joseph was given a Zingzilla guitar by a friend of mine, it's very loud, but its been another favourite! Joseph loves music!

He also received lots of puzzles, which aren't quite a hit with him yet but I'm sure will be as time goes on.

Britmums - It' a Blog Hop!

I've joined the blog hop on Britmums, so a warm welcome if your reading for the first time, and I hope to find some other great blogs to read too!

Breastfeeding - could it have worked?

I've been thinking a bit lately about breastfeeding. I have posted on this before but it was a while ago now, and I feel I want to revisit it again.

When I was pregnant, I assumed I would breastfeed. Giving formula never entered my head. Breast milk is free, its personalised to the baby's needs, and I never really thought much else of it. My sister had successfully breast fed 2 children (and is now feeding number 3) most of my close mummy friends had breastfed, and I was always a bit sad that I hadn't been.

When I was told Joseph would have to be delivered, I knew I would be expected to express, no one discussed it with me, but I knew that breast milk was best for very early babies. At that time I thought it was a given, I would express until he was ready to breast feed.

As time went on, it was pretty clear, that in some ways, most staff on the unit only gave lip service to breastfeeding. They all encouraged me in expressing, but when it was time to move on to something other than tube feeding, the support went away. When Joseph was 32 weeks I was "asked" if I'd allow them to introduce bottles. Now the "ask" is in inverted commas because, once I had said "no" it was pretty clear that I wasn't being "asked" it was expected.

I felt very uncomfortable and discussed it with Joseph' consultant, who said "all the other babies here are mix fed and it isn't a problem for them, why is Joseph any different". With everything that I had been through I had lost the power of argument. I wanted to scream, and wish I had, "every other baby in here is +30 weeks gestation at birth and not IUGR that's how Joseph is different". But I didn't. I gave in.

I think allowing those first bottles was the beginning of the end. My supply dwindled. Then I was "asked" to allow fortifier in my milk. That was another nail into the coffin. When I watched them put that powder in, I felt so useless and pathetic. I couldn't even provide milk for my baby without help.

I'm not sure whether I could have made breastfeeding work. It was a difficult time. I read an article today about how you should express 8-10 times a day for at least 10-15 minutes when you have a premature baby. That level of frequency just wasn't possible for me! Not with hospital visiting and my own health to consider as well.

But I do know mums who have made it work with their premature babies. If I'd had support of other mums and a more supportive set of nurses in hospital who had had experience with tiny IUGR babies of Joseph's gestation, perhaps it could have made a difference.

But now, I am content, that I did my best at the time, with what I knew then.  And nothing can take away from the fact that I expressed for 10 long weeks in difficult circumstances, which is a huge achievement in itself.

The Velveteen Rabbit

Extract from
the The Velveteen Rabbit

Margery Williams (1881-1944)
‘What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?’ ‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ ‘Does it hurt? Asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ ‘ It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ‘I suppose you are real?’ said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse only smiled. ‘Someone made me Real,’ he said. ‘That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.’

We had the above reading for our wedding day. I chose this reading because it describes perfectly what love is like. It hurts, its not always easy, you have to be strong, and resilient, you can't be too precious about it. Love is never perfect.


When Joseph was born, I went and bought a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. I think this passage describes perfectly what it is like to have a premature baby. I felt at first that Joseph wasn't real. It was such a weird situation I had a baby, but I didn't have a baby. I was on a maternity ward with nothing. A few cards, a teddy bear, but no baby. It was weird, it was horrible. It was frightening.

I would spend a lot of time on the ward, in those first weeks, looking at a tiny little creature, so frail, hearing bewildering news, wondering what on earth our future would hold, learning to love him.

And I think through loving that tiny baby, from believing in him and caring for him made me real. It's made me real as a mum and my husband, real as a dad, and I like to think that by loving Joseph we've made him real too, strong, resilient, not easily broken.