7th August 2009 - My More on Monday

I posted that picture yesterday because it was the first ever taken of Joseph. It was my mother in law's camera and the photo was taken by my husband, because I couldn't leave my hospital ward.

It was the first time I'd ever seen him, that photograph. My husband took it, gave the camera to his mum, she rushed to Boots and had it developed and brought it back to me.

When I first saw it I just thought "good lord what have I done to that poor child", and was filled with guilt and remorse.

Then I looked again. His skin looked good, he looked peaceful, and I just fell in love.

His due date was 7th August 2010.

Joseph is now properly 2!

And he doesn't look like that anymore!

Silent Sunday

Why Fostering is Not the Answer - Yet

A few times people have asked me "what about fostering?" I just wanted to explain a bit about where we are at with fostering. When we first got together my husband and I discussed it at length, and we really wanted to foster, particularly children with additional needs. So when we learnt that Joseph would be our only we started to look into it.

Unfortunately there is a lot legislation and a lot of guidelines that need to be followed and adhered to. I rang agencies to start with, and at the moment we are not the type of family that an agent would look at. I don't drive, and having a small child is an issue, it means that we couldn't really take older children, and any fostering agency puts the needs of your own child first.

So it was suggested we look at local authority. We've had a few meetings with them, and we went on the preparing to foster course, which we greatly enjoyed. It was decided that due to me not driving, the "home from home" program would be best for us. That is where we offer respite to a family with a child who has a disability. Unfortunately we are no further forward, presumably due to budget cuts.

The not driving thing has become a real issue, which is a shame. I didn't learn when I was younger then when I was pregnant I spent a lot of time and money learning to drive, and have failed, twice. I no longer have the resources to do lessons but intend to get back to it once I am working.

When Joseph is older we will revisit fostering and possibly adoption, but for now, it isn't really a solution.

Raising an Only Child

I come from a family of two children, there is my sister and me (well I do have a half brother and a late half sister but they were adults on the other side of the world when we were born). My husband has a sister. I don't see her often, but I love my sister and my world would be a much poorer place if it wasn't for her.

By the time I reached my thirties I had grown used to the idea that I might never have children, the main cause being poor relationship choices and some unspecified gynaecological problems, and some miscarriages. When we got married, Corey and I were realistic, we hoped there might be children in our future, but were prepared that there might not be.

What I wasn't prepared for was only having one. This is probably incredibly erroneous, but my view of a "normal" family is two parents and two children. They don't have to be opposite genders (the parents that is) but the nuclear family to me is four. Now this is purely my own prejudice obviously, I am not saying anything outside this is not the norm.

I worry about Joseph not having siblings. I know its not the be all and end all, but I worry he will have no playmate at home. I worry that he will be over indulged. I worry about getting older and that Joseph will have no one to share the burden of ageing parents with. I worry he will be lonely. I worry he will have no one to share his childhood memories with. And I haven't got my head around it at all.

I think I'd be less worried if he lived in the same country as his cousins, but he's not going to grow up with them at all, and that makes me sad too. His life is so much different than the one I grew up with, and the one my husband grew up with too, our lives were full of extended family.

And yet, there are advantages to having an only child, and I wonder if there are advantages being an only child. Are you an only child? Have you made (or had it made for you) the decision to only have one child? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

From RAGS to Riches

I've really struggled as to whether to post this. When I first started this blog, I thought it would be full of posts such as this one, as I was really only blogging for myself, to make sense of things, however in the past year this blog has changed, and I am really proud of where it has gone and the audience that it receives. And I'm glad that it is a resource for many who are either going through the NICU journey, supporting others, or picking up the pieces of their own lives after a traumatic birth experience.

However, I feel that now I am shying away from sharing my feelings. I don't want to upset people (how very British have I become?). This post is especially hard, because I really want to talk about the resentment, anger, guilt and and sadness I am feeling (RAGS - good innit? Well I thought so). I did initially think of using a service call Blognonymous but then thought why should I? Why should I have to stay anonymous? And then would it be anonymous? Pretty much everyone would know it was me anyway.  But before I start I have this to say:


I know that many people who read this have gone through the death of a baby, and don't have one to hold, or have a gaping hole in their family. I know there are people who read this that don't have a baby at all and are struggling with infertility. And then, are my dear friends, who are pregnant again, many of them following birth trauma and/or prematurity. What I want to say is, I don't want to upset anyone. I know how lucky we are to have a healthy toddler. To my friends, I am overjoyed you are pregnant, really. I mean it. I just wish to God that I could be a bump buddy, I am jealous, but that is not your fault, nor is it mine. And I don't want you to stop talking about your pregnancies, your babies and your children, but be prepared that I might say, today is not a good day to talk about this to me, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow may not be a better day.

I am feeling angry. I hate anger. Righteous anger maybe, but this is a jealous, self-pitying anger that isn't directed at anyone. I am just angry. And where do you go with that? And my anger, and resentment is making me sad. So sad that I went to the GP. And you know what she did? She wrote me a prescription for citalopram. This was over a month ago. I haven't filled it but I carry the script around in case I happen to change my mind.


She committed a cardinal sin, in my eyes. She made assumptions and prejudgements. She took one look at me and my history and wrote a prescription. I had asked for talking therapies (as recommended as first line treatment by NICE guidelines) and she basically said "oh there's a massive waiting list its a waste of time". That makes me angry. I have been told this twice before, the first time in pregnancy, the second, after Joseph came home and I was struggling. Both times I said "fine, refer me privately". I no longer have the means to go private.  That makes me angry, that I have relieved the pressure from the NHS, and have not been rewarded with help when I need it and can't afford it. I strongly believe the treatment I had in pregnancy saved my life. My therapist thought there was a physical basis for how I was feeling, and he was spot on. He prepared me for what was to come.

I tolder the doctor that I would not take the citalopram, as it makes me sick. She wrote me second prescription for anti-nausea meds. I explained that I have had them before and they make me sleepy. She suggested that I get help with Joseph. Send him to his grandparents........see, not listening. And that makes me even more angry. I am not a kid, I am a grown woman. I want to be supported in my health decisions, not treated like an idiot. I have never been a non-compliant patient before, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel I just need to talk about it, and maybe CBT and/or EMDR might help me to get through this brick wall I seem to have hit. But I just don't have the resources. And I feel anger that the NHS saved my life by chopping me up and fishing my baby out, but won't help pick up the pieces. And I think that is wrong. I just want a six to eight week course of talking therapies, is that really too much to ask?

And I am angry about pre-eclmapsia. I am angry about the myths, the ignorance, and the very fact this fucking illness (gosh angrier than I thought, sorry) can't be treated or cured except through drastic measures. And it's not for want of trying. There are research projects out there trying to crack the code, but its illusive. There is no definitive treatment or real prevention other than careful monitoring, aspirin and anti hypertensives.

And yet, there is balance. Although I feel anger, and a degree of resentment, and also some guilt that I feel this way, I feel immensely blessed. I wish that pre eclampsia did not exist, this is true, but do I feel I have been blessed because of its impact on my life, then the answer is resoundedly yes.

I have learnt to take nothing for granted. You never know when your health and indeed your life is on the line. I have learnt patience, I have learnt true joy and happiness. And I have the cleverest, most beautiful little boy in the whole world.

And I now need to learn to live with the fact that the family I wanted, the two kids, a nice husband and a cat, is somewhat diminished, two one kid, a nice husband and a cat. But that is still a wonderful thing.

My Other Babies - Our Cats - a post for #RSPCA247

I am very proud to be involved in RSPCA’s Twitterthon #RSPCA247, raising awareness of this charity which has become, in its long history, an institution. But how many of us really understand the scale of the work that they do, and the money that it takes to do this important work? I certainly am guilty of taking the existence and the work of the RSPCA for granted, so please, get involved, and read the other blog posts that have been provided to highlight the work of the RSPCA 24/7. 

Since the age of 14 I have always been owned....by a cat. I love the old saying “dogs have owners, cats have staff” And for a long time I have been a very happy staff member. I have had several owners, my current owner is Atticus Woo. I also have another owner, Niow Niow, named by Joseph, a small grey cat who has a staff member who doesn’t understand his needs. So he comes to us. It is estimated that there a 8 million domestic pet cats in the UK, that’s a lot of people who are loved and cherished by their feline friends. 

Sadly Niow Niow is not alone. Last year the RSPCA Frontline team rescued 31,361 cats from neglect, danger or injury in England and Wales. Not everyone understands and respects the needs of their cat, or they may find themselves, particularly in these trying economic times, of not being in the position to care for their car as they would like to. The other area that worries me is neutering and spaying. It seems natural to me to spay or neuter a cat. Not only does it prevent procreation, but it makes the cat a much nicer animal to have in the house.

I have had experience with the RSPCA, many years ago I was asked to take in a cat, a beautiful black and white girl, Chloe, who had been rescued from a frightening and perilous situation. The dogs taken from the same home were so poorly they had had to be put down. The RSPCA staff were unable to catch Chloe, but a neighbour managed to get her later, and passed her to me.

It became apparent that Chloe had got herself in trouble and was well and truly pregnant. We decided that due to the lateness of gestation of the kittens, it was safer to continue with the pregnancy. I was able to rehome one kitten, but the remaining had to go to the RSPCA centre near my home. I was bereft and in tears, and angry, that initially the staff had thought I was an irresponsible owner, not realising the situation. And they promised to do their best to rehome these beautiful little kittens.

What many people may not know is that the RSPCA is funded purely by voluntary donations.  Furthermore, the RSPCA receives an emergency phone call every 30 seconds. Every day the RSPCA responds to around 1,000 incidents a day, rescuing, caring for and re-homing animals that have been trapped, abandoned or hurt whether it’s 2pm or 2am.

If you care about animals, if you are passionate about your own pet, please donate to the RSPCA, whether you can afford to do so regularly or make a one off donation.

Sensory Issues and the Premature Baby - An introduction

Sensory processing issues can be signs of an underlying problem, and if you have concerns about your child, you should seek advice from your Health Visitor and/or Paediatric Consultant. This post is based purely on my experiences with Joseph and observation of other premature babies. 

Hot on the heels of the "baby signing" boom, there appears to be a lot of talk about "baby sensory", there are classes, some Sure Start centres have designated sensory rooms, and its something that's talked about in baby magazines, however sensory play is natural, and easy to incorporate into every day play. Over the coming weeks, I'll blog about some different ideas for sensory play for children of different ages.

A baby who has been born prematurely has missed out on all sorts of things, but importantly they have missed that time in seclusion it their mother's womb, a place where sounds, sights, smells, tastes and feelings are filtered by the mother.

From the moment they are born, premature babies are exposed to excessive stimulus, and a lot of it, extremely unpleasant. Lights, loud noises, continuous white noise, pain, strange tastes (many of the oral medications are vile and very strong tasting). The effects of being premature, and being exposed to all of these stimuli can last well into childhood and beyond.

I found we had some issues with Joseph when he was discharged from hospital. The first was night time. Joseph found it hard to settle. Different people take different approaches with this, and as far as I can see there are two options. Firstly, the "cold turkey" method. Evenings are dark, quiet times, and the baby just needs to get used to it and adapt, which is what we did. The second method is to try to replicate NICU, by keeping a lamp on at night, and providing white noise, such as running water (a CD or computer programme is more environmentally friendly than a tap!), a radio not quite tuned in, or background music.

I've blogged about baby massage before, and I found it brilliant for helping Joseph realise there were positive associations to touch not just negative. Even now he holds his feet out for massage, or when he's sad he lies down for me to massage his tummy.

I knew I would have to wean Joseph at 6 months actual, so for the 3 months before this I would introduce Joseph to smells. We would walk around my neighbour's herb patch and feel and sniff the different herbs. When cooking I would have Joseph with me, usually piled up with vegetables, and get him to feel and to smell the different things I was cooking with.

Joseph loved fabrics, I made a play mat with different fabrics, and would have boxes of my fabrics so he could feel different ones against his skin. Even now, he is entranced by fabric. 

As Joseph got older I noticed he had somewhat of an aversion to mess, and to feeling things, so slowly I would introduce messy play. Playdough (I make my own), bubble play, cornflour gloop etc. I've found this has really helped Joseph, and he's a messy toddler boy just like any other.

I found from his early days that Joseph would get overstimulated quickly. It was important that we just did one activity at a time. I would, and still do now, turn off any noise that I can control when we do an activity, both to increase his ability to focus, but also minimise over stimulation.

And I must have done something right, because when we are about to do something fun and involving Joseph jumps up and turns the telly off!