Waterbaby.......Not

One of the things I was looking forward to with my new baby was baby swimming lessons. I love to swim, its the only physical activity I am remotely good at, and whilst I am no Dawn Fraser it is something I deeply enjoy. I have great memories of my dad teaching me to swim, and regular swimming lessons, firstly specific swimming sessions for children with asthma, and later general swimming. I loved it so much, learning new strokes, and the freedom I felt in the water.

I've never really felt bothered about my size in the water, and don't feel self concious in a costume, even though I am often the fattest at the pool! Until the day we took Joseph swimming, Sunday just gone.

Joseph is not used to the water. It was suggested by the neo natal outreach team to avoid swimming due to potential infection, due to Joseph's history of chronic lung disease. I never questioned this, as I felt it was wise, he had been on oxygen a long time and was still very small. I asked again at Joseph's one year corrected check up, but the consultant was reluctant to support it. So again I decided that it was best to be careful.

Now Joseph is over 2 corrected I think its time. He adored being in the paddling pool on holiday recently in Gorleston on Sea, and he enjoyed the seaside too, showing no fear as the waves crashed at his feet. So the pool in Ramsbottom would be a walk in the park...no? Um.....no.

We started well, in his lovely cozzie, and me in my nice one too, a boob tube style with a strap around the neck. Mistake number one. We took him into the pool and he looked quite excited as I put his floats on his arms. My husband took Joseph as I got in and passed him to me.

Well, that is where the trouble started, he started to cry and shout. I just assumed 10 minutes of shouting and he'd settle and enjoy it. Mistake number two. It didn't get better. My husband blamed me, as he normally does when things are going wrong, and said "pass him to me". Mistake number three. Joseph was welded to me. More specifically to my costume. Ya know, the boob tube style with one little strap. Hubby tugged, Joseph clung, I looked around to see a group of men positioned nicely near my left boob. Please, don't try to move Joseph, you will cause a scene, I yelled.

For a moment I lost it. Tears stung my eyes. My fault. Mistake number four. Don't go there. "If Joseph hadn't been prem, I could have taken him swimming as a baby and we wouldn't be here now, he'd be happy". This line of thought not helped by two nine month olds ducking and diving and giggling and having a bawl. But it's not my fault. I didn't cause the pre eclampsia, I listened to the doctors, none of this is my fault. Stop that thought now. 

So Joseph remained, like a baby possum stuck to me like glue. Have you ever seen the claws on a brushtail possum? They are very sharp. After 20 minutes they roped the shallow end off and threw in some lovely floats, pirate ships, winnie the poo, frogs. We sung and played with the floats. Joseph screamed and shouted. "No want mummy cuggles!" So we left. I was so looking forward to my shower. But no. More screaming as I tried to shower the two of us (we have only a bath at home).

But once in the changing room, my Joseph came back, laughing, giggling, throwing his shoes over the door of the changing room and giggling as I tried putting his shorts on. He was positively charming and bright and funny.

"Joseph, would you like to go swimming next week?" And his reply "Yes please mummy, more swim".

Go figure. Care to join us? Bring ear plugs.

UVQ6S2XRDW95

3 Years Ago Today

It's our wedding anniversary today. 3 years! It's kinda funny, because at the age of 39, many people have been married for a lot longer than that. 2 of my best friends in Australia are much closer to their 20 year anniversary than I am to my 10 years.

Marriage has always been very important to me, and I was shocked to find myself separated at 24 and divorced by 29, it was never part of my plan and I still feel a bit ashamed that I have a failed marriage behind me. A lot of people are shocked to discover I've been married before. I don't keep it a secret, well I don't think I do, but I don't talk about it as much as I possibly should.

When we decided to get married my husband to be started telling me his vision for "his" wedding. He was so excited and really keen on a wedding. I was happy to just go off and get it done! He wanted 450 guests! I was very calm and just said, "yes dear that's fine, price them at £50 a head, do the maths, and then tell me a venue that holds that many in our area, and how your going to fund it". He was horrified! We settled on 150.

I decided that I wanted to show case our area, and the best Ramsbottom had to offer, that is where we lived at the time. I also was adamant I did not want a registry office. I researched a lot and found the Unitarian church the ideal solution for us, and we met Jeff, our minister who became so important to us over time. Little did I know that Jeff would be my greatest support when Joseph was in hospital, as Jeff, himself, had been a teeny, tiny poorly premature baby.

We had a vintage bus that weaved its way from Manchester to Bury picking up passengers. We then had the ceremony, drinks on the platform of the East Lancashire Railway and everyone got on a diesel train to go back to the Civic Hall in Ramsbottom for our reception. It took a lot of organising and it was logisticallly quite tricky.

We had fields of flowers, massive bouquests of hydrangeas, roses, and herbs. When looking through my wedding photos one of my friends gave me the biggest compliment "it looks like you just popped out into a cottage garden and picked them" that's the look we were aiming for. Well  me.

My dress was amazing, made to measure, in silk. It wasn't cheap. But I felt like a vintage princess.

Today we are spending the night at Manchester Airport, then going to Greece for a week!

Happy anniversary darling!

One Day Like This - Oh Mammy's Monday Musical Meme

So tomorrow is a special anniversary, three years of wedded bliss. It's been quite a busy three years, full of excitement, tears and a bit of fear thrown in, and there were times when I wasn't sure whether we would make it, but here we are. So I would like to dedicate today's Musical Meme to my lovely, and never annoying, husband. If you want to join in link up here. You can post on anything you like, with a musical theme.

We debated quite a bit about what our first dance song should be for our wedding. We had a vintage themed wedding, with a double decker bus, a vintage diesel train, and loads of flowers and tea dresses, it was wonderful. And we chose this song as our first dance. Something slow and soppy just wasn't our style. We'd been to see Van the Man in concert some months before, and we both just looked at each other and smiled. This was it!

Corey has introduced me to Radio 4 being 20 years older than me 20 months older than me, Corey is middle aged, unlike my sweet self still in my 30s (who am I kidding, only very just). Our favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning is listen to Desert Island Discs over a leisurely breakfast. (More accurately, snatched listenings in between Cbeebies or trips to the park!) Corey always says this will be his first track when he is featured on Desert Island Discs to commemorate his knighthood (he's never annoying, and never predispositioned to delusions of grandeur either)

This song was huge the year we were planning our wedding, and we debated trying to include it but failed, it didn't seem right somehow. Elbow are a band close to our hearts as they are from Bury, where we live. This song is just beautiful and always makes me smile. Joseph loves it too (being a strings fanatic) so for me it's our family song, just the three of us.

The Best

I love reading magazines, but one of our post baby money saving tactics was, sadly, no more magazines for me. So imagine my delight when I discovered a load of unspent Tesco points online and found out you could exchange them for magazine subscriptions. I now subscribe to Good Housekeeping and Good Food. I think my Cosmo days are well behind me.

Anyway, in Good Housekeeping they do a "Best of" section where a well-known person answers some questions. This month it was Alan Titchmarsh (for Aussie readers, think Don Burke) But I love reading these so I thought I'd have a go at filling it in too. Why don't you do it on your blog or even on your Facebook page?

Best Compliment - When Joseph was just over a year I had to take him to opthalmology. As I was pushing the pram through the corridors at the hospital I ran into one of his consultants. She said hello, then nearly fell over. She said "Oh Kylie, you have done just the most amazing job with Joseph, he's a real credit to you". I was just so pleased that she thought I had done ok, as it was when my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was at its height.

Best Weekend - The best weekend was our first wedding anniversary, September 6 2009. Joseph was 4 months old and we went to Chester, stayed at the very lovely Grosvener, had room service and a visit to Chester Zoo. It was memorable because I had to feed Joseph at 3am as usual, but we kept him in our bed, which we didn't normally do, and we were woken by room service bringing coffee at 8am, the longest any of us had slept since Joseph's birth!

Best Kept Secret - I don't do secrets!

Best Meal - I'll pick a recent one, there's an incredibly smart restaurant and bar recently opened in Manchester called Australasia that we went to in June, a rare meal without Joseph. I had Tasmanian kingfish sushi, porkbelly with pineapple curry and an amazing pineapple and passionfruit trio of desserts. It was a lovely meal, and a really special location, under the street off Deansgate.

Best Friend - I seem to have a collection of friends, I never seem to have just one best friend.

Best Book - Another difficult one, but my enduring book that I've read over and over, is The Secret Garden. I have always felt such empathy for the main character, and I love the story of redemption and love and mystery. It's a wonderful book that has really stood the test of time.

Best Decision - To move to England. It was a massive decision and I've always been one who plays it safe so I think it was suprising for everyone when I up and left. But I feel as a person, I have grown immensely in the UK, and of course I've met my lovely husband and have the loveliest little boy in the world ever!

Best Job - I'm not career minded at all, however the best job I had was working as a carer, in Bury, when I had been in the UK for around 5 months. My youngest client was 7 my oldest 87 maybe? I looked after people in their own homes, but also took young children with severe disabilities out and about. I adored that job, and am glad to have found myself in care work again.

Best Lesson - One of my favourite quotes is an Eleanor Roosevelt one. "A woman is like a tea bag, you never find out how strong she is, until she is in hot water." Joseph's birth was my best lesson. I went through a scary illness, and watched my baby surmount quite incredible odds, and I've come out of it a better, more knowledgeable and more compassionate person.

Best Moment - Standing at the doorway of the NICU with my baby in his car seat, hugging and kissing all the doctors and nurses, saying goodbye. Will never forget the relief of finally being able to take our baby home after 76 days.

Best Gift - My birthday when Joseph was in hospital, my husband, not the great romantic normally, gave me a necklace with three intertwined love hearts, one for each of us.

Best Way to Relax - that's a hard one, these days, its just snuggled up in bed at the end of the day. My favourite way to relax is to go swimming, and my best place to do that is in Germany, my favourite swimming place in the world is Bali Thermes.

Look Before You Leap - Listen Before You Judge

pre·judge  (pr-jj)

tr.v. pre·judged, pre·judg·ing, pre·judg·es

To judge beforehand without possessing adequate evidence.

Ever since Joseph was born I've had to deal with people's attitudes, advice and general nosiness. Something about becoming a parent makes you public property. I found it really hard, and I overshared. Looking back I should have just lied. "Oh a brand new baby" - no well actually he's 4 months old - cue opening the floodgates, questions, prejudgements, attitude. I should have just said "yes". No matter how disingenious it felt, just say yes. 

But now, 2 years on, I'm still in this boat of people making rash judgements. I am the most friendly, open person, if you want to know something, just ask me, I'll tell you happily. But don't judge what you don't seek to understand. It's annoying, and its hurtful. I've had two occasions in the last couple of weeks that have just made me hopping mad. And I never know what to say, or how much to say. If I am too brief, I get interrogated with lots of closed questions and snappy judgemental comments. If I say too much, I get upset, Joseph picks up on it and it all goes wrong.

Situation one, I was at messy play with Joseph, it's a small group of mums with toddlers. Unfortunately for me, nearly every single toddler in attendance is an older sibling, and the babies attend. Anyway the person who was running the session was chatting to me and another parent, saying "oh you have the kids in old clothes, but yours are getting trashed". I laughed saying "I'm wearing a maternity top, as I won't be needing them they are fair game for being wrecked!" 

Well I was not prepared for what happened next. "I thought Joseph was an only child?" this woman said, raising an eyebrow at me. "Why yes", I replied, he is. "And will always be". She started on at me "Well that's quite selfish isn't it?" I looked around for support, no one who knew the story was within earshot. I explained "I have 80% chance of having another premature baby". She glared "well, being premature isn't that bad is it?" So there I was, covered in jelly, angel delight, paint and playdough thinking "come on Kylie, explain and don't cry, and really, don't hit this woman, its not worth it".

So I explained the story, and she understood and started saying about what a precious gift Joseph was and blah blah blah. If she'd just said at the beginning "oh why aren't you having any more?" then we could have avoided the whole scene. 

I find it hard now that Joseph's comprehension and language are so good, I don't want to say too much. I want to explain about his birth and our decisions over time, I don't want him to know, until he's older, about my feelings, and the fear that he nearly died, and I think that's fair enough.

The second situation was at a party. Joseph had got mucky out (the comfort blanket) but then decided to play outside. There were other parents supervising, and I got mucky to put him away before going out to watch Joseph. I felt I had to pick him up and put him away, as he could be mistaken for a rag and thrown away, in which case my life would be over.

An older lady, presumably a grandparent scowled at me "that baby must be supervised there are children playing out here". I explained quickly that I would be right there but needed to put this away first. She said I was irresponsible allowing my baby out. I looked and Joseph's friend was playing out, without direct supervision. I said to her "what about that little girl there, her parents aren't watching her". And she snapped "but she is not a baby, she's over 2."

I smiled and said "well, actually, not wanting to be rude or anything but Joseph is a month older."

I don't know what I can do, put mascara and blusher on him and make him look older? Put him in a t-shirt that says "I'm older than I look?" He was fine outside, climbing, running and playing with the other kids, he didn't need me there, not for those 2 minutes. Again the whole exchange could have been cut short "How old is he, is he ok playing on his own?"

I've just got business cards printed to promote my blog when out and about. I am seriously considering passing these randoms a card and saying, go read this, and email me with any questions!

How do you deal with random comments and unwanted advice?

Friday Feature - Nobody Said It Was Easy

For my third Friday Feature I am featuring two blogs, one of whom is written by a dear friend of  mine, the other introduced to me by a fellow parent of a premature baby, Ross, who blogs about his son Freddie.

Nobody Said It Was Easy is written by my good friend Stacey. I met her on a wedding forum well over three years ago now! It's kinda ruining the story of her blog, however her blog charts her progress as she tries to conceive, up until her pregnancy, and hopefully well beyond into parenthood. At times very honest, and a great comfort to anyone trying to conceive and going through diagnosis and treatment. She has nominated me as her pregnancy mentor, lets hope I do better with Stacey than I did with myself!

The Anderson Bump and Baby is a beautiful read, but extremely sensitive at the moment. What started as a blog about Mummy and Daddy Anderson's journey into parenthood has become a journey no father would ever want to take. Lauren is currently in ITU unconcious, and the baby girl (who I have nicknamed Possum) is in NICU, born at 27 weeks weighing 1lb 6oz. Lauren is in Inverness and Possum is in Aberdeen. I know a lot of my readers will empathise with Matt and have words of comfort for him at this frightening time.

I hope you will read and support these two blogs, and encourage each of their writers in their journeys.

Premature Babies - Can We do More? 3 Dads Share Their Stories

I have asked Dean a Gurgle nominated Daddy Blogger, otherwise known as Daddy Natal, to write for Not Even A Bag of sugar, as I am very concious that I write purely from the perspective of a mother. Dads have a vital role to play in the care of their premature baby, and its important that we support dads going through this scary and difficult time. I know my husband felt the weight of the world on his shoulders when Joseph was born, and he did a fantastic job looking after the two of us, but I realise that he didn't have a good support network and still feels traumatised about Joseph's premature birth. I hope you find what he has to say, and the perspective of the three dads he has interviewed helpful This is part 1 of a 2 part piece.

Some recent occurrences and discussions have led me to ask some questions. 

In 2010/11 of 522,000 births with a known gestation length, 35,775 babies were born at 36 weeks or before, 28,489 were born in their 37 week. Now officially a premature baby is defined as one born before their 37th week of pregnancy.

I had been talking to Kylie and she asked me if I would write a piece on dads and premature babies. Having spent some time mulling this over, I decided that although I can write about it, from my training, working with dads and work on the MSLC at Peterborough hospital, I hadn’t experienced it.  It was further bought home to me when one of my dad’s (yes they are mine!) having attended the first class with me, two days later had his partners waters break at 34weeks and 1 day. I spent the next few days supporting them, when they needed me to answer questions or offer reassurance, and at 34 weeks and 6 days their daughter was born, 5 weeks premature.

Now, 5 weeks premature in this day and age doesn’t seem that bad, and I suppose that’s true, if it’s not YOUR child! They still had to spend a week with their child in hospital, with all the concerns and worries that comes with that.

That has bought me to writing this piece, and I have already realised I cannot do this subject justice in just one piece. So forgive me, but this will now also run as a series alongside Life with a new born, things to expect! Which in its self I think will be interesting as automatically I had been writing that from the perspective of full term new borns, so there should be some interesting differences.

To help with this piece, I have spoken to three dads all who have experienced their child being born prematurely, each has been kind enough to answer some questions for me, and I will share with you their answers. So for now I would like to share with you just a small glimpse into their journeys.

Let’s introduce the dads, first up is Neil, he is the dad referenced above, his daughter Lauren was born at 34 weeks and 6 days, he has started to blog about it here. Next up is Rob, his son Felix was born at 29weeks and 6 days, he shares his story here. Finally there is Ross, his son Frederick was born at 28 weeks and 2 days, Fredericks story is shared here .

Felix

So I asked them some questions about their experiences and these are what they had to say. I think it starts to paint a picture and I will look in more detail at some of points raised later . I also want to address some questions of my own and get some views which I will come to at the end of the piece.

Had you or your partner managed to attend any antenatal classes?

No.....we had talked about it, but even up to 28wks, we had not attended any.

Our first antenatal class was booked on the 36th week of pregnancy. Nearly 7 weeks too late!

I attended half of a DaddyNatal course but that was all. Vicki hadn't attended any classes.

Freddie on Day 1

How prepared were you for birth? Had you done much reading research? (not talking prepared for premature birth)

We were not prepared at all! We were warned around week 24/5 that Freddie was small, not growing....and that he may have to be born early. We assumed around 33/34 weeks, but even then, we did not research or start to prepare ourselves for a premature birth. When he arrived 2-3wks later, we were shocked, traumatised and totally ill-prepared.

I was prepared mentally to have a child, I work with children and love cuddling all my friend's babies. Regarding research, I had read 'The Pregnancy Book' provided by the NHS and I also had various applications on my phone with information regarding pregnancy and    baby development.

What was the worst part of your experience?

Oh, there are many.....you can refer to the blog. Day 3, Day 16, Day 35.

Suspected Meningitis

Going to see Freddie on my own for the 1st time while Mummy lay in recovery.

The 86 mile transfer back to a hospital closer to where we live.

Our 1st cuddle (Day 16) ending with heartache and fear of the worst.

I've had to think hard about this. I can't really say the surprise birth was the worst part, however scary it was, it was just a blur and was over in 10 minutes. 

Freddie Now

When Felix had a bleed from his lungs on Day 2 of his life, my wife and mother were with him. I received a phone call to come straight away and was warned it wasn't good. When I arrived, both my wife and mum were waiting outside the ward. As I peered through the window,  I could see the white screen being set up around his incubator whilst doctors and nurses from different wards appeared to stabilise him. All we could do was wait.  

If you could turn back the clock, what is the one thing you wish you had known by the time your baby was born?

Huh! That he was going to make it - I wouldn't have spent 82 days worrying so much!

But seriously, I wish I was more aware of premature births...even if we were/were not going to have an early delivery. You are never fully prepared for what you are about to see.

As impossible as this sounds, I just wish I had warning of when Felix was to be born. In lots of premature cases mothers are admitted weeks in advance to prepare for the birth. In this case, the mother receives steroids to hopefully delay the birth and to support the babies lungs. If we had known this we could have had the steroids which may have avoided various complications.

Anything else you wish you had known?

About Bliss Charity prior to the delivery. Fantastic support/resources.

Did we do anything to cause the premature birth of our child? We still don't know why Felix came so early.

What one piece of advice would you give to all expectant parents based on your experiences?

Lauren

Talk. Talk to other parents who are going through the same experience.

Ask friends for help......travel, costs etc etc.

Stay positive but be prepared! This is how we survived in hospital, we knew it was going to be a tough journey but we genuinely believed Felix would survive. We set up what-if scenarios on a regular basis and came to terms with all possible outcomes so when bad news came our way we had already come to terms with it.

I hope you have enjoyed this post from Dean. Please have a look at his blog and website, there is a wealth of information there from a dad's perspective. And stay tuned for part 2!

 If you have enjoyed what Dean has written please vote for him for Best Daddy Blogs in the Gurgles a prestigious award created by Mothercare. Also please vote for the sister blog Bump Birth and Beyond in Best Overal Mummy Blog.