In the News - Child Neglect and Sentencing

Last night a story popped up on my Twitter feed. I do apologise, it is the Daily Mail so it is sensationalised, and I wouldn't go near the comments. But it's this incredibly tragic story about a two year old boy who died as a result of drinking fertiliser. His mother was growing marijuana in her house to make money. I read this a day after hearing another painfully upsetting story about an eleven year old boy who was kept in a cell like room in his house in Blackpool.

In the first case the mother has received a 12 month suspended sentence. That is, she is received no custodial time at all, although her child died not just because she had fertiliser in the house, but because this woman's care had been so inadequate he had not had a drink in over 24 hours, and drank the fertiliser thinking it was a fruit shoot. Whilst on one hand I appreciate what the judge is saying, that she will suffer forever for what she has done, I just don't think this is good enough.

I'm not a lawyer, or a psychologist, or anything other than a mum, but as a member of a community, my gut feeling is that sentence is inadequate. What sort of message does that send to other families, living on the edge, doing things to fund whatever habits they have? Make a catastrophic mistake and its ok, you don't need to be held accountable for that? It doesn't sit right to me.

The second case is interesting too. The child is now ok, he is in foster care and recovering and reading between the lines it sounds to me that he had some behavioural issues or underlying condition that the parents didn't know how to cope with, so kept him away from the rest of the family. Many years ago I did some work with families who were in similar predicaments.

The parents pleaded guilty and received 2 years custodial sentence, which initially I thought was inadequate but compared to the first case now seems almost harsh! The parents have been described as "inadequate rather than wicked"

I want to understand how those decisions are reached, and who is looking after the victim in all this. In the first case a child has died. He has a younger sister in foster care, and the mother can still visit her. In the second case a boy could have died, thankfully he is now doing well.

I can't imagine ever not feeding, changing or caring for Joseph. I can't imagine ever being in that place. Is punishment the answer? Do we support parents enough? Is there something as a community we need to do better? I want to know. How can we stop these stories? Can we stop them? Or is this sort of neglect something that will always be part of our society?

We're banned from taking photographs of our children in soft play centres, lest we accidentally get another child in shot, we worry about pedophiles on every corner, yet as a community we're tolerating neglect. Children not receiving enough to eat, not having their own space to play, not having access to the correct educational support, top and bottom of it, not receiving love and acceptance.

I just don't get it. 

Music Monday

So this week I have decided to do some memes and join in some linkys. I hope you enjoy my posts. I am pretty tired after my efforts this weekend, so just taking it easy! Today's Linky is from Stressed Rach.

Joseph has taken a liking to the Black Eyed Peas. Last week I was search for Peas songs that don't have rude lines in them and found this gem!

I really love it and it spoke to me this week, as I really felt that the 10k was beyond me. But now I am inspired to do more, and really make a difference for families affected by stillbirth, miscarriage and premature birth. I know support is important which is why I campaign and volunteer for Bliss, but research, to me, is the key, which is why I fundraise for Tommy's/

I hope you enjoy this boppy little number, I do apologise as you will be humming "I wanna own it" all day long!

A cheeky reminder you can still sponsor me! Wouldn't it be great to get up to £700 by the end of the week, every little helps!

Thank you to all for your support and encouragement. 

It is Done - Bupa 10k for Tommy's

What day. After weeks of rain and cloudy weather, London turned it on today. It was flamin hot I can tell you! Last night I had a major attack of the collywobbles, and turned to Facebook.

I posted this

Feeling a bit emotional and nervous about tomorrow. Need focus. I'm doing this for everyone on my friends list who had had a miscarriage, stillbirth our premature baby. Like this status if that's you.

 Nearly 100 people "liked" that status. And to be honest that's is what got me through. So a massive thank you to everyone who "liked" and commented.

My asthma over the last few months really affected my training, and then my knee injury 2 weeks ago, I was close to pulling out. But that response gave me all the motivattion I needed.

My running buddy Jennifer was an absolute star she kept me sane, and focused. And importantly supplied Percy Pigs at every 1 kilometre mark.

By 8 k I'd had enough and was ready to quit, but Jen kept me going, and got our her iPod and played "mmmmm bop" that song is forever etched in my brain! I was crying at the finish line, I just couldn't believe I did it, and in the last 2 k when it was hard I kept thinking "this doesn't compare to how hard it is to lose baby, get a grip".

Place	Place AG	Place in gender	Number	Name	Age Group	5k Time	Finish Time
10509	3281	5073	15572	Kylie Hodges	Women 18 - 39	00:56:37	01:53:51

So this was my time and place. Unfortunately it would appear that I haven't made selection for the Olympics this time.  I have to say I am utterly thrilled I did it under 2 hours, with the poorly knee, seeing as this time last week I couldn't walk 1 kilometre let alone 10! For the record, Mo Farrar, the winner managed it in 29 minutes and 21 seconds! You have to laugh. However the Guardian goes on to say that the time wasn't anything to write home about, so even Olympians were doing it tough in 28 degrees.

I'm really proud to announce I've raised £635 for Tommy's and you can still make a donation on my Virgin Money Giving page.

A massive thank you to Tommy's for giving me this opportunity, and to the Landmark Hotel who gave Tommy's a weekend room, which they kindly gave to us. It's been a fantastic weekend.

And next time I want to raise money, I'm baking cakes!

Twit and Twoo - Giveaway

Happy Friday folks! I have a nice little treat for one of my readers, a little prize from Twit and Twoo. You can read my review here. Twit and Twoo are a lovely little series of books with an accompaying arrange of merchandise. The books are suitable for all ages, Joseph loved them, and the colours and illustrations will appeal to little ones too.

This is the prize, Twit from Twit and Twoo with a book. Have a look at the lovely website too. It will help you with the Giveaway!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Reasons to be Cheerful - Week 21

 I don't join in the lovely Michelle's Reasons to be Cheerful nearly often enough. I think its because I am genuinely jolly and don't really need to be reminding of what to be grateful for. But, as you will know I am going through a bit of a tough time with my PTSD flaring up a bit so now is a good time just to reflect on what to be thankful for this wee.

1. Blue Sky - Well it's been a while but that was the view looking up from my garden the other day. Beautiful clear blue sky. The weather really lifts the mood I think! I can tell I'm getting old, the first thing I do when the sun is shining is plan my next bit of work on the garden, not go to the swimming pool!

2. My cheeky boy It was so sunny when taking photos in the garden I couldn't see the screen, so until I came back inside I had no idea he was being so cheeky! If I ever needed a reminder that this isn't a poorly little boy in a box, this is it!

3. Britmums This was the first blogging network I ever joined, way back when I had no idea what I was doing. I find them so supportive, I've recently been blogger of the week, been mentioned in several round ups, and I am now a finalist for a Brilliance in Blogging award, which I am chuffed to bits about. 

4. Work My employers have been working hard to find me some hours since my last service user passed away. I have been working again this week, which I love and find really rewarding. And having pennies certainly helps too.

5. My mum It's my birthday coming up and my mum has treated me to an early birthday  present of lovely plants for my garden. I am hoping by the end of summer they will have taken root and I can show you a display of colour.

6. My online community I love our blogging community, and my other on line friends and they have been a great source of support this week. Especially the lovely K at Mummy Pinkwellies.

7. My garden Until recently the back garden has just been lawn, but we have had access to a little bit of money and decided to invest in some plants and a bench. We've only had to do a bit of work, but its paid off!

I used up some old tiles that I had lying around, sadly not enough to do the six flags, but it still looks lovely I think. I've finally done something with the rocks, given to us by a friend. I am in the process of planting some climbers to cover up the fence panels.

So there are my reasons to be cheerful I am sure there are loads more!

If you have some reasons, join the linky!

Pre eclampsia and Kicking Through The Roof

I was thinking about doing a post about some of the funny things doctors say, and recalled an incident that happened in hospital in the hours before Joseph was born. It's turned into quite a sobering post!

When my pre eclampsia was diagnosed, although I was scared, I felt like a blanket of calm was laid over me, and all the people treating me. My somewhat disjointed antenatal care became joined up, co-ordinated and like a well oiled machine, plans were put in place and followed. I listened to what was being said, and asked question. I felt well-informed, but I didn't ask too much about the detail of what they were doing.

One of the things that baffled me was the knee hammer. Quite often doctors would come and bash my knees to watch my legs. The first time, a quite young doctor came and said "just testing reflexes". He tapped at my knee and to my surprise my leg appeared to fly through the air like Bruce Lee kicking a bad guy. The doctor looked at me with utter concern and said "did you do that?" and I said "um no, I didn't think I was capable of kicking that high", and he ran off to get a senior.

No one really explained to me why they were bashing me every hour, and there was so much more going on that I didn't think to ask. When the next doctor came he told me to relax. Which is very difficult. When someone tells you to relax, when they are about to knock your knee with a hammer, and your worried you might kick them into the middle of next week, it's no mean feat. From that point on I would do my creative visualisation and pretend I was somewhere nice. My legs still continued to fly alarmingly, if anything slightly worse each time.

Out of interest I have just googled pre eclampsia and heightened reflexes. This is what I found

I believe the most useful application of reflex testing is in a woman who has already been diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. In this patient, the severity of her reflex responses (3-4+, or even clonus) will help me gauge how close she may be to having an eclamptic seizure. The more brisk the reflexes, more danger of seizure. http://www.brooksidepress.org/Products/OBGYN_Morning_Rounds/Afternoon_Lectures/Pre_Eclampsia.htm

 I had already been diagnosed at this point, and this is what they were watching for. Eclampsia, as I have explained before, means "bolt from the blue" and describes the devastating seizures that can result from pre-eclampsia not being picked up in time.

I will never ever be anything other that exceedingly grateful to my medical team, for the care they gave me, their expertise, but also protecting me from some of the scarier facts. I did hear "seizure" mentioned a few times and "risk" and I was never left alone for long during my 24 hours of intense monitoring.

I could see the fear in the faces of the younger doctors at the time, and I now understand why I was so interesting! Even doctors who weren't treating me asked to come and see me, and take notes, I must have been a great learning opportunity! And that actually makes me happy, if me being so ill, and also so open to having students attend at the bedside saves another woman, that makes me feel it was all worthwhile.

I never stop hoping and praying that one day we'll see a vaccine, a treatment or a better predictive tool, and a cure for pre eclampsia that doesn't involve delivering the baby so early.

Speaking of knees, I am doing the Bupa 10,000 in London this Sunday to raise money for Tommy's, who fund research into pregnancy complications like pre-eclampsia. Please sponsor me if you are able. 



 

PTSD - The Elephant in the Blog

I hate the saying "Elephant in the Room" but that's how I feel. I've been keeping the blog busy with various posts and reviews and things, and I'm trying to walk around it, under it, even climb over it, but I can't ignore it anymore.

I thought I was fixed. I had the therapy, took the medication, started my blog. I work pretty hard for charity, and volunteering.

It was #borntoosoon where the trouble started this time. I think the United Nations, World Health Organisation and March of Dimes were shortsighted in releasing the Born Too Soon report the week before Joseph's birthday. I tweeted, I blogged, I shared, I worked hard, but all those images, all those "what ifs", in what is an emotionally charged time of the year for me was quite tough to handle.

What is hard for me at the moment is I feel very much alone. Everyone has moved on, especially my husband. I feel the need to talk about Joseph and his start, but no one is interested. It's old news. And who can blame them? He's fine.

So if he's fine why do I check if he's breathing before I go to bed? Why am I not sleeping, checking him during the night? Why am I considering pursuing a referral to a paediatrician for "one final check".

Because I still have post traumatic stress disorder. I still am disordered in the way that I am processing and dealing with what happened.

For me, it's not birth trauma. Joseph's birth, the moments when he went from living inside me with my dodgy placenta to breaking free and into neonatal care were calm, beautiful moments. It's those ten weeks that he was in hospital that stay with me. Everyday I can't help but think of what I was doing this time three years ago.

I wonder whether my Pollyanna persona did me more harm than good, repressing the scarier emotions. I didn't feel I had much choice. The loneliness was crippling, I felt I had to stay strong and just deal with it. My husband was back at work, I had no family to help me, it was scary. And it still hurts. I have irrational feelings of abandonment and I still feel bitter about that to this day, angry that my husband couldn't be with me, that there was no one to support me. Days and days of bus travel, of dealing with bad news, doctors, conflict, it was the hardest time of my life.  

It was Simon from 100 Marathons 100 weeks who brought me back to reality in a radio interview this week. He is a returned serviceman who has PTSD from service in several countries, he's an inspiration (he's not keen on being called that), but he was saying how it's never really over. You can have all the treatment in the world, but it will be there.

I can intellectualise as much as I like, that all is ok now, that its in the past. But what happened to us as a family, and to me personally, was a big thing, it is a big thing. And its ok to still feel at times the fear, the anxiety and to think through the what ifs.

I just need to keep perspective.