I'm struggling today. Tomorrow Joseph turns 18 months. I really battle with how old to say Joseph is, yes he has been with us for 18 months, but really, he should be 15 months old. And everyone tells me how he has "caught up" whatever that means. I still haven't worked it out. Surely all babies and children are so different that there is no "catch up". He's still in 12-18 month clothes, and in fact in trousers he's in 9-12 months. He's still on the 9th centile for his actual age.
Joseph is not walking. I know I shouldn't worry. I really do know I shouldn't worry. He is a clever lad. He can climb up windowsills, he can scale up and down the stairs, he can get on and off the bed, there is nothing wrong with him. He just doesn't walk yet. No one is concerned, not until he reaches 18 months corrected, still another 3 long months away. And even then, some children do not walk until later. I was over 2, and my husband was even older.
I'm struggling too because we were planning number 2 baby to be about 2 and a half years younger than Joseph. We'd be trying to conceive around now. And I know I can't go through another pregnancy, that it would be risky too risky, that we may not have the happy outcome we've had this time, and that with a toddler it would be a whole new ballgame. But I can't help feeling desperately sad. So many people are announcing second pregnancies, and I am genuinely happy and excited for all of them, but its hard. It should be me too. Pre eclampsia has robbed me of this, and I am just teeny weeny bit bitter about that. Just a little, because it wanted to rob me of my first born too, and I won that one.
And difficult too, because my mother has cancer. What started as a little lump on a mammogram a few months ago is an aggressive, nasty cancer. My mother has lost her hair. She's been hospitalised with complications of chemotherapy, and she's struggling. She's in Australia, I am over here, and its hard, really hard.
Not long after Joseph came home from hospital, my half sister passed away, having contracted Legionnaires on holiday. And today, I learn her husband has died, from a nasty aggressive cancer. I had only met them for the first time at our wedding in 2008. And now both of them have gone. It just doesn't seem fair.
I feel just overwhelmed, and not sure what to think about and work through first. We have Christmas to look forward to, then not long after I fly to Australia with Joseph for six weeks.
But at the moment, all I have is this mess of thoughts and feelings.