Sometimes when things don't work out, you need to grieve. And sometimes, you need permission. So if your upset, disappointed, and not sure what to do next, throw a pity party. It works wonders for me! Sometimes you need to let yourself have space, head space, to think things through and to get your perspective back.
First set a time. I think if you are going to have a self indulgent woe is me party, you should set a time. An evening, a day, even a week, give yourself space to grieve or to stress, whatever it is. But make sure you set an end date and time.
Next find a venue. It might be a blog post, or ten, a real or virtual letter to someone who has aggrieved you, that you may or may not post/email. It might be a real party, with wine, nibbles, or a full on chocolate cake. It might be something you share, like my divorce party. It might be something you do with your nearest and dearest.
Any good party needs good catering. Consider what your favourite foods are, your favourite drinks, it might be something that makes you feel better, it might even be something that is healthy, like a giant fruit salad, or even a lovely smoothie. It might be the best chocolate, a fine wine, or even something from your childhood. When times are tough I find myself craving a hot Milo made by my dad.
Focus on what it is that is upsetting you. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings, to cry, to feel sorry for yourself, to feel anger. Talk about it, write it down, let it out. Don't let it fester and eat you up, really let it out. It's ok. Sometimes life is crap. It may well be even worse for Person B, that's ok, it doesn't minimise your own feelings, they can have their own party if they need to. You could even help them. Give them the permission they need to really get to the heart of their feelings.
There is a time to "keep calm and carry on". Life goes on. Bad things happen and we have to work through them, and learn to cope. But we also need to give ourselves space in which to process what has happened and absorb the impact.
I've found that over the past few weeks I have a new lightness from sharing the post "RAGS to Riches". For me, it was important to get that out, but to focus on the positive, of finding a way to process those negative emotions and to find the happiness and joy again.
For those of you that attended my party, sent a message, a positive thought, a virtual hug, thank you.
I now have my sparkle back. For now.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
The Doctor Will See You Now
In England how your pregnancy is managed depends on your area. In our area you are normally managed by a community midwife and if you have any complications, you will probably be under consultant care, but may only see the consultant once or twice. In our area you can just call your surgery and book in directly with a midwife. I, however, did not know this and went to see my GP. My GP at the time, wasn't known to me, I'd only just moved to the practice and hadn't had a need to see one. I knew from town gossip that whilst well respected, he wasn't considered a likeable person, a bit gruff and to the point, my husband had been seeing him for years.
I at once found him funny and extremely likeable. I told him I was pregnant, and he said "well, have you identified the cause?" peering over his glasses! I noticed straight away, that although originally from Scotland, he had completed his training in Australia, and as such, was an obstetrician and gynaecologist by training as well as a general practitioner. He took my blood pressure and we had a chat. He asked me if I knew anything about pre eclampsia.
The only thing I knew was that if you had it, you normally had a c-section as it was a life threatening condition for both the mother and baby, I didn't know the symptoms or how it could manifest. He asked me not to worry, and not to google, but to just be aware, and gave me a run down of the symptoms - headache, visual disturbance, excessive swelling. He told me that my body type put me at risk, and to make sure I kept all my appointments religiously. Importantly, he said to come to him with any concerns.
At around 13 weeks I went back. I felt weird, worried, and insecure about my pregnancy. He felt it was probably depression and discussed anti depressants, which I declined. I asked for non medicated therapies, he peered over his glasses again. There was nothing, any referral would take 6-8 months. So I found my own therapist.
I then returned at 16 weeks, things were getting worse, although I didn't feel depressed, just anxious. I was crushingly exhausted, I looked huge, I felt weird. I asked to be signed off work for a week, and my GP agreed. He had a meeting with my midwife to discuss his concerns on the Thursday, having seen me on the Monday. My blood pressure was sky high, and my heart rate was high. I know now that a high heart rate can indicate that all is not well.
Every week I extended my sick note, with full agreement of the GP. I negotiated a return to work with my employer for around 24 weeks, but every week my blood pressure was higher, and I wasn't happy to return. And then, of course, at 27 weeks I had full blown pre eclampsia.
My GP had been on holidays. I gave him a call to let him know what had happened. He was lovely and joked that whilst it normally takes three trimesters to make a baby, two obviously was enough for me. He shared a few experiences of his own (I discovered he was the dad of three premature babies, not triplets), and I thanked him profusely for his care. I honestly think that without his initial explanation and warning, I would have been less prepared for what eventuated. I also think that the counselling I had really helped prepare me mentally.
I do think that there is a role for GPs in managing pregnancy. Midwives are fantastic, but in many cases, such as mine or if there is a pre existing medical condition, GP management can mean the difference between a good outcome and a sad one. There is a move to go back to shared care in this country, and I think, personally, its a good idea.
I at once found him funny and extremely likeable. I told him I was pregnant, and he said "well, have you identified the cause?" peering over his glasses! I noticed straight away, that although originally from Scotland, he had completed his training in Australia, and as such, was an obstetrician and gynaecologist by training as well as a general practitioner. He took my blood pressure and we had a chat. He asked me if I knew anything about pre eclampsia.
The only thing I knew was that if you had it, you normally had a c-section as it was a life threatening condition for both the mother and baby, I didn't know the symptoms or how it could manifest. He asked me not to worry, and not to google, but to just be aware, and gave me a run down of the symptoms - headache, visual disturbance, excessive swelling. He told me that my body type put me at risk, and to make sure I kept all my appointments religiously. Importantly, he said to come to him with any concerns.
At around 13 weeks I went back. I felt weird, worried, and insecure about my pregnancy. He felt it was probably depression and discussed anti depressants, which I declined. I asked for non medicated therapies, he peered over his glasses again. There was nothing, any referral would take 6-8 months. So I found my own therapist.
I then returned at 16 weeks, things were getting worse, although I didn't feel depressed, just anxious. I was crushingly exhausted, I looked huge, I felt weird. I asked to be signed off work for a week, and my GP agreed. He had a meeting with my midwife to discuss his concerns on the Thursday, having seen me on the Monday. My blood pressure was sky high, and my heart rate was high. I know now that a high heart rate can indicate that all is not well.
Every week I extended my sick note, with full agreement of the GP. I negotiated a return to work with my employer for around 24 weeks, but every week my blood pressure was higher, and I wasn't happy to return. And then, of course, at 27 weeks I had full blown pre eclampsia.
My GP had been on holidays. I gave him a call to let him know what had happened. He was lovely and joked that whilst it normally takes three trimesters to make a baby, two obviously was enough for me. He shared a few experiences of his own (I discovered he was the dad of three premature babies, not triplets), and I thanked him profusely for his care. I honestly think that without his initial explanation and warning, I would have been less prepared for what eventuated. I also think that the counselling I had really helped prepare me mentally.
I do think that there is a role for GPs in managing pregnancy. Midwives are fantastic, but in many cases, such as mine or if there is a pre existing medical condition, GP management can mean the difference between a good outcome and a sad one. There is a move to go back to shared care in this country, and I think, personally, its a good idea.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
Playing Catch up
I am asked it a lot, "has Joseph caught up?" I always feel like saying "to whom?" I find "catch up" a really difficult concept to define, and I really dislike that term, and think we can come up with something better.
There are two basic elements to catch up in my opinion, and the first is growth. This is somewhat easier for me to define and answer. When Joseph was born he was on the 0.4th centile on the newborn charts, and dropped right off and followed his own line. At first his growth was very slow, and there were some concerns about it. Then at about six months, he took off, climbing the charts quicker than Cher Lloyd with Simon Cowell behind her. He then settled on the 25th centile happily, and that is where he has stayed, growing slowly but surely.
So in a sense he has "caught up" in terms of growth, although in clothes he is still in 12-18 bottoms with 18-24 tops, he is nowhere near 2-3 clothes yet, but that's ok, many term boys of his age are the same.
Developmental catch up is a lot more complex in my mind, because there is so much variance. Joseph is a chatterbox and everyone comments on his amazing speech. But, when you compare him to children born at the same time as him, some of them are speaking in whole sentences, where Joseph is still doing two word pairs with the occasional three word sentence. However the little boy next door, six months older, only has about 20 single words.
Joseph, as I have well documented, took an age to walk. He was 23 and half months before he could walk independently, and even now he is still quite behind, he can walk, but not for very long and I am still reliant on a pushchair to some extent. He also is a terrible listener and if he gets the inclination, will just bolt. However to see him walk, climb, paddle and run you really wouldn't think that he had struggled with this. I only notice he is a bit behind because I am with him every day, and occasionally compare him to others.
I prefer, rather than catch up, to think of it as "gap closure", closing the gap between those born prematurely and those born at term. I think that's a much more positive term than "catch up" and doesn't imply that they were "behind" in the first place, just that there is a gap between the age that they were born at, and the age they were meant to be born at. At some point there will come a day where there is no gap, just a normal variance in ability and interest.
There are two basic elements to catch up in my opinion, and the first is growth. This is somewhat easier for me to define and answer. When Joseph was born he was on the 0.4th centile on the newborn charts, and dropped right off and followed his own line. At first his growth was very slow, and there were some concerns about it. Then at about six months, he took off, climbing the charts quicker than Cher Lloyd with Simon Cowell behind her. He then settled on the 25th centile happily, and that is where he has stayed, growing slowly but surely.
So in a sense he has "caught up" in terms of growth, although in clothes he is still in 12-18 bottoms with 18-24 tops, he is nowhere near 2-3 clothes yet, but that's ok, many term boys of his age are the same.
Developmental catch up is a lot more complex in my mind, because there is so much variance. Joseph is a chatterbox and everyone comments on his amazing speech. But, when you compare him to children born at the same time as him, some of them are speaking in whole sentences, where Joseph is still doing two word pairs with the occasional three word sentence. However the little boy next door, six months older, only has about 20 single words.
Joseph, as I have well documented, took an age to walk. He was 23 and half months before he could walk independently, and even now he is still quite behind, he can walk, but not for very long and I am still reliant on a pushchair to some extent. He also is a terrible listener and if he gets the inclination, will just bolt. However to see him walk, climb, paddle and run you really wouldn't think that he had struggled with this. I only notice he is a bit behind because I am with him every day, and occasionally compare him to others.
I prefer, rather than catch up, to think of it as "gap closure", closing the gap between those born prematurely and those born at term. I think that's a much more positive term than "catch up" and doesn't imply that they were "behind" in the first place, just that there is a gap between the age that they were born at, and the age they were meant to be born at. At some point there will come a day where there is no gap, just a normal variance in ability and interest.
The England They Don't Want You to See - Guest Post
I have been honoured to be asked to contribute to an e-zine A String of Pearls, and have submitted an article about the recent riots.
Please pop along and read my post, and join the conversation!
Monday, 15 August 2011
Why Holiday in the UK
When I first moved to England I was struck by its beauty and diversity. I loved exploring the place, and I loved how easy it was for me, a non driver, to get places by train. I love trains, a complete novelty for me as the last passenger trains in Tasmania stopped when I was about 5.
After a couple of years I was lured by cheap travel to the Europe, and found it amazing that in just over an hour I could be in another country, so different to the one I had just left. In Australia overseas travel is very much a luxury, although somewhat more accessible now than it was say 20 years ago.
1. Travel logistics - car transport agrees with Joseph. He loves looking out the window, he sucks his blankie, he dances to the radio, so much easier than rawling with airports and their dazzling lights and hidey holes and long corridors.
2. Being able to meander and stop - I love to stop at roadside stalls or to have a brew and a cake. You can break up your journey if you want, and its much easier to have "joy in the journey" when you are travelling on the ground rather than air.
3. Exploring your own country - I am astounded how much of the UK I have seen compared to some of my English friends, and I am not nearly as widely travelled as I'd like to be. I love the beauty of Britain, it really is amazing, and the diversity never ceases to astound me. I love hearing the different accents, and trying the different food. If you look for it there is a culinary diversity that is quite amazing.
4. Keeping the economy moving - Europe is no longer the bargain it used to be, and its good to keep our money in the UK and to help small businesses and small villages.
Now having said all this, we are having a week away in Rhodes in September, but we think that next year we will not have a holiday abroad at all, and stay in the UK. I really want to try Glamping? Have any of you done it? Any recommendations? Would love to hear from you!
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Panic on the Streets - And Are All Our Youths Feral?
We are currently on holiday in Gorleston-on-Sea and really, we could be abroad. London is only 100 miles from where we are, but it could be an ocean away, and we are untouched by what is going on, apart from watching in horror along with the rest of the nation.
I had a row with my husband and father-in-law about the riots. "Eh its all against the Government, people are fed up with the cuts". What a load of rubbish that is. This is nothing to do with a protest against the Goverment, in my opinion. It's to do with greed, with decline in respect and morals, and young people who feel they have nothing left to live for except gaining more possessions. The originial motive, protesting against the police for the killing of a young man, has been totally lost. It is not about that anymore.
Watching the riots spreading to Liverpool and my adopted home city of Manchester I was struck by the age of the rioters, no more than bits of kids, on holiday, with nothing better to do. If you believe reports, then it's all about getting possessions that they do not need to pay for.
One of the first things I noticed when I moved to England, was how important posessions were. I had never noticed it so much in Tasmania. The "designer" goods aren't so prevalent, or, indeed, expensive, in Tasmania. Sure kids probably want the latest surf gear or trainers, but the "bling" culture is no where near as prevalent in Tasmania. I was struck by how young people would aspire to the very best of everything, bags, shoes, clothes that even to me, on a modest but decent wage, seemed completely out of reach.
And I can understand why these youth are fed up. Material possessions have become so important. TV is more than TV these days, living rooms resemble theatres. We don't just watch telly, we play games, we live virtual lives. The "real" has become "unreal".
And what is sad is that the vast majority of young people are not feral, running around the streets, setting fire to shops and robbing the latest flat screen television. But I do think that young people will find themselves, potentially, further marginalised as a result of this, which is terribly sad.
I don't blame parents alone for this. Life is tough, there is not enough annual leave, or dispensation for parents in terms of emergency leave and parental leave. A lot is put on parents, particularly of teenagers, without a lot of support. Many people don't have extended families, to help with the children, to do things with them and keep them occupied.
I hope that the outcome of these riots is that we all take a long hard look at ourselves, our communities, and how we can help each other, to parent, and to guide our young people, and to reknit the social fibre that should link us together, not tear us apart.
I had a row with my husband and father-in-law about the riots. "Eh its all against the Government, people are fed up with the cuts". What a load of rubbish that is. This is nothing to do with a protest against the Goverment, in my opinion. It's to do with greed, with decline in respect and morals, and young people who feel they have nothing left to live for except gaining more possessions. The originial motive, protesting against the police for the killing of a young man, has been totally lost. It is not about that anymore.
Watching the riots spreading to Liverpool and my adopted home city of Manchester I was struck by the age of the rioters, no more than bits of kids, on holiday, with nothing better to do. If you believe reports, then it's all about getting possessions that they do not need to pay for.
One of the first things I noticed when I moved to England, was how important posessions were. I had never noticed it so much in Tasmania. The "designer" goods aren't so prevalent, or, indeed, expensive, in Tasmania. Sure kids probably want the latest surf gear or trainers, but the "bling" culture is no where near as prevalent in Tasmania. I was struck by how young people would aspire to the very best of everything, bags, shoes, clothes that even to me, on a modest but decent wage, seemed completely out of reach.
And I can understand why these youth are fed up. Material possessions have become so important. TV is more than TV these days, living rooms resemble theatres. We don't just watch telly, we play games, we live virtual lives. The "real" has become "unreal".
And what is sad is that the vast majority of young people are not feral, running around the streets, setting fire to shops and robbing the latest flat screen television. But I do think that young people will find themselves, potentially, further marginalised as a result of this, which is terribly sad.
I don't blame parents alone for this. Life is tough, there is not enough annual leave, or dispensation for parents in terms of emergency leave and parental leave. A lot is put on parents, particularly of teenagers, without a lot of support. Many people don't have extended families, to help with the children, to do things with them and keep them occupied.
I hope that the outcome of these riots is that we all take a long hard look at ourselves, our communities, and how we can help each other, to parent, and to guide our young people, and to reknit the social fibre that should link us together, not tear us apart.
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