Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Wires

"Wires"

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip

Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright

Alright

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.

Wires by Athlete

This song is a mantra and anthem for so many parents who have a baby in special care. I used to listen to this song every morning in hospital on my iPod whilst I expressed my milk. Tears and milk flowed.

I've been feeling down all day, and it's taken til tonight to realise why. Today is the anniversary of the day from hell.

Joseph was into his 5th day in special care. I went down in the morning, and there were concerns, no one was saying much, except that things were not looking good. By the afternoon I was in a mess, I kept getting updates from different doctors, and really, things were not good. I went up to my room for a late lunch and the room didn't look right. I thought nothing of it and went back to special care.

This consultant came in and said to me "you do not understand what is happening here. You baby could die". Ok, so I was holding his foot and singing 5 little ducks, but what is a mummy to do? I felt so hopeless, I just didn't know what I should be doing. The pregnancy books do not cover what to do when your baby is 1lb 7oz and in an incubator, or maybe I just missed that bit.

The doctor went on to explain Joseph probably had NEC, necrolitising enterocolitis. I did not understand what this meant. Now having been on this journey with other parents, I realise why the doctor thought I was on planet moo moo. NEC is potentially, and often, fatal. Again, not covered in my pregnancy books, and God knows I'd read enough of them.

I went up into my room for a rest and to think, and it really didn't look right. It had been ransacked. I checked the drawers. Wallet - check, iPod - check, camera - check, emergency chocolate - check.

I looked again. The big blue fluffy teddy bear that someone had given me had gone. Vanished. Taken. I called the cleaner and the nursing staff who said I must have misplaced it. It was a foot high for goodness sake.

The bear didn't matter I don't suppose. It couldn't go to special care as it was huge. But to me, it symbolised hope. No one else dared get us anything. Someone had even bought us a sympathy card......No one thought this baby was going to live, except this one lady who had bought a teddy bear. And now it had gone.

I was inconsolable. I could not stop crying. I rang my husband in tears. He rushed in with a beautiful little bear with a pink blanket, for me. The nursing staff got together and gave me a big beautiful dog. A family also in special care came up to me later with their little sons, about 4 and 6, and they had dug in their toy box for a replacement.

As it transpires, a dad to be had stolen it. He was a crack addict (lots of them in our hospital) and was desperate. I felt a little better, to be honest, that it was going to a tiny bubba who perhaps otherwise would have had nothing.

Later that night I went back to special care, and sung to my little boy, only to be interupted by a doctor. They had caught it. The antibiotics were working. Joseph was stabilising.

But that bit of my heart that thought he was going to die will always be that little bit broken.

3 comments:

  1. I still find that song very difficult to listen to.

    There are many, many things that the pregnancy books just don't cover. I'm so sorry someone stole Joseph's bear. I know how important it must have been to you. I'm glad that lots of people rushed to the rescue with a replacement, especially those two sweet little boys.

    There are some experiences that I don't think we ever fully recover from, they do leave us a little bit broken. But I can only quote the title of a previous post back to you, happiness is the art of being broken. xo

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  2. I'm sure pregnancy books gloss over a heap of stuff so as not to frighten pregnant women. But I honestly thought that if I had pre eclampsia I'd get six weeks bed rest. I had no idea babies were intentionally born premature. Not a clue.

    I think books should come with a sealed secton at the back! Break in case of emergency!

    There's just so little support out there for some people, in our unit there was nothing, and they'd never kept a baby so early or tiny, so it was like unchartered territory for everyone.

    Thank you for harking back to that previous post, that was lovely :D

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  3. I am sorry that you lost Joseph's teddy bear.

    We lost Llewellyn's very first toy - an elephant that his father bought for him the day he was born. It was in his incubator and got sent off to the laundry as it was mixed up with his sheets.

    I was also very upset - it was his first toy and even at that young age, he seemed to like it (look at the photo of him when 10 days old touching it).

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