My darling boy child, I am so proud of you in so many ways, you have come a long way in the past 20 months, and I think you are amazing.
However, I feel that at this stage in our relationship, I need you to clarify the following points:-
1. Why, when I make you a sandwich and cut it into four, do you feel the need to take one bite in each piece? And then rotate each sandwich doing the same until each piece is eaten. Why is this? I don't overly care that you do this, I just want to know why. Also on the sandwich issue, why must I chop the crusts off fresh sandwiches, but keep the crust on toasted sandwiches. This makes little sense to me.
2. Why is it, that when I give you a whole apple, you happily nibble at the apple, skin and all, but when I chop it into quarters you eat the flesh and fling the peel on the floor?
3. Can you please advise me on which days of the week you will eat grilled cheese and which days you prefer not to? I have tried to fathom out a pattern and have drawn a blank. If you are going to fling grilled cheese can you please ensure it stays on the mess mat. Thank you for your respect and concern in the matter.
4. Now that you have 12 teeth, can you please let me know when you will be able to manage meat as my repertoire of dishes using mince as a finger food is becoming stretched to the limit.
5. Can you please advise me why bananas are particularly funny? I am pleased you like them, but why do you laugh at them? Am I mising something?
6. Salmon. Please tell me about the salmon. Did I over use it? Am I not buying line court, wild salmon, from some exclusive far off Loch, where am I going wrong with the salmon? You used to love it and now you fling it!
7. On said vein, can you please advise the carbon police that me purchasing Vietnamese river cobbler is to appease the
8. I watched enough food programs in the womb for you to now understand eat local and eat seasonal. Your blueberry habit, whilst endearing, is making a further imprint on our carbon footprint and not doing my (failing) eco credentials much good.
9. Also, on the blueberry issue, why do you like the French, and the South African, but not the Croation blueberries? Surely to the dear lord in heaven there is not that much difference? Surely, particulalry to a toddler a blueberry is a flippin blueberry? I feel like a complete nut going through all the punnets checking where the blueberries are from. It's embarrassing.
10. Spoons, dear child. I know I tried to bring you up the Baby Led Way as much as possible, and your increasing independence means you are unwilling to be spoon fed. And that is perfectly fine. But you know how to use a spoon so why don't you? You hate having your hands wiped and washed, so why eat porridge with them? There is no need. Please use a spoon!
11. Would you please at least try a chocolate button. I know it's not from a rare cacao tree grown in Java from a single estate where the staff have 4 days off a week, and live in mansions on the side of a hill. But its yummy and you will like it. I am very proud you like 70% cocoa Green & Blacks, but there are times in a mummy's life when emergency buttons are just a necessity.
12. Tomatoes are not evil. They do not deserved to be licked, then thrown, unceremoniously from your high chair. They should be respected, loved and ultimately eaten.
That is all on the food issue for now, please have your answers on my desk by Monday afternoon. Thank you.
Your mum x x x