Wednesday 28 September 2011

The Daughter I'll Never Have

This post is inspired by this week's Britmums Blog Prompt. Which is  If I wouldn't be judged harshly, I would say ________ out loud.  My ____________ is I want a daughter.....

"Dear daughter,

I do believe I had you once. I was pregnant, a long long time ago, you would be almost 15 now. I lost the baby, sadly, at around 8 weeks. I saw its image on a screen, the heartbeat had only just stopped, the obstetrician said. I had an operation to remove the foetus. I was bereft. 

I dreamt of you, about 5 years later, you were just as a 5 year old girl should be. You walked into a bookshop and came up to me. You asked me how many children I had. I said none. You spat at me. You were angry "you have me, do not deny me, you are my mother, how dare you?" It shook me to the core, and I still remember that dream.

I had you, but I will never have you.

And that makes me sad."

I am blessed with a son. I love my relationship with Joseph, and I am looking forward to that maturing and growing as he does. He's simply amazing, and a clever, emapthetic, charming little boy.

But I feel a gap in my heart, and in my home. I feel outnumbered. When I was pregnant, initially I had hoped for a girl, just a little hope, as my pregnancy progressed I was quite convinced I was carrying a boy, and had got used to the idea, but I still had that little wish for a daughter to share my life with. And it's the little things, shopping trips, girly chats, getting our hair and nails done together, just the little girlie things that would be nice to do with a daughter. And the big things, sharing my feminist ideals, raising a strong woman, having that adult relationship.

That shared gender is important, no matter how much you try to pretend it isn't, there is something special about the mother and daughter relationship, that I am never going to have.

When I see pictures of little tutus, or pink shoes, or a nursery all done in princess pink, I feel a pang of sadness that I'll never have my little princess. I can't honestly say that even if I had a girl she'd have a princess pink room, and tutus and ballet shoes, and God knows I loathed ballet classes when I was a girl!

I am blessed to have nieces, and my sister, and good female friends, and I have lots of virtual nieces too. But I do feel sad about it. And I feel sad that I haven't got another girl in my house, apart from the cat. My husband is so excited about taking Joseph to football, and to Diggerland, and doing blokey things with him. And I feel left out (although Diggerland does sound cool!)

I hope some day, some how, a girl does come into my life, and can fill that gap......


  1. Aww huge big hugs. I feel exactly the same and lost one due to early miscarriage. I hope one day I can have a little girl. I adore my two boys but feel a little something is missing. I hope we get our dream one day x

  2. I always wanted a girl, a boy first (mind) and then a girl. Now I don't think I'd mind if I had 100 boys (not going to happen), although I do still dream of having that girl, and I hope that if I don't ever get to have one, one of my friends will, so I can make her lots of pretty dresses etc. I'm lucky (in a way) that I'm pretty certain that my son's Dad doesn't dream of taking him to football or Diggerland, I am very excited about taking him to Legoland though, in fact I'm planning a trip in October! (If it's any consolation - and I know it's not - boys are supposed to be more likely to be much closer to their mums when they are older.)

  3. I feel the same...That's why sometimes I don't believe myself when I say that my boy will be my only child, I would really like to have a girl...

  4. Kylie I saw this trough facebook tears running down my cheeks as reading!!!!!!!! Its in one way nice to know that iam not alone,,,I thought it wrong too feel that way....xxxxx.
    Laura s

  5. Oh honey. I can quite understand this as I believe our decision not to have any more (because of the risks) was made a tiny bit easier by the fact that Littlebit is a girl.

    Don't get me wrong, had she have been a boy I would have loved her just the same but I've always desperately wanted a girl.

    But just remember that's not how it's meant to be for you and there's probably a reason for it that you may not know for years to come.

    And you can adopt another niece in Littlebit :)

  6. Laura there are a lot of people who feel this way, and I am so glad I shared it, if its just helped one person realise they are not alone x x

  7. I hope you do too, my only hope is fostering or adoption, and it's not an easy road.

  8. Do you know, I think it is a consolation. I know my hubby is very close to his mum, and most men I know have a special bond with their mummies. My son is very loving and caring, so I am very fortunate!

  9. It's all very new to you Lilly, and I would say give it some time, and get al the facts, but yes, after you've had PE and a prem, it's a huge call to go again, especially when, like yourself, you have a lot of medical knowledge. It's silly but I feel sadder for people like you than I do myself, don't know why!

  10. Oh bless you...what an amazing post...thank you so much for sharing it with us.


  11. I slight;y frightened myself with how much I wanted my second pregnancy to be a girl. It was, and she is beautiful, but now she is here I love her just the same as my son, and I know now I would have loved her just the same if she'd been another boy. It's a funny thing!

  12. :( If we are having a girl you will have another virtual niece :)