As far as I can recall I have always been fat. That's how I've always seen myself, which is sad. Because now, when I look at photos, up until the age of about 14 I was quite slim. Then it hit me, my weight started creeping up and up.
I even declared my weight on national tv this week, 19 stone. But researching for this piece I have discovered something, I am, in fact only 18 stone!!! I converted the kilos wrong....woo.
My weight started creeping up in high school. There were a number of factors. In Australian schools, sport is very important. I have always been completely and utterly useless at sport. I run like turkey, I look awkward. I can't do sports like archery. I have been known to miss the target and hit nearby trees. As for gymnastics or athletics just forget it. PE class was always an ordeal.
I was bullied terribly, which had a dual effect. It made me avoid group exercise. The other factor was I medicated my pain and social isolation with food. When I recall how much I used to eat, I am astounded that I am only 18 stone and not 28. I got into a terrible cycle of eating chocolate, crisps and cake.
When I was 15 my mum sent me to Weight Watchers. This made everything worse. I felt punished, embarrassed. I felt completely out of place. It made my overeating worse, if anything. It made me concious of everything that went into my mouth, and made me obsessive. But I lost weight and got near "normal". Then it all came back, and more.
Once I left home at 17 and went to university everything got worse. I had complete food freedom for the first time in my life and ate everything in sight. I lived on site in my first year, and all meals were included, they weren't exactly healthy fare and we had pudding every night. My sweet tooth got worse. And then there were the endless takeaways at weekend.
I reached 120 kilos by my mid 20s. I have had two periods in my adult life where I have successfully got down to 90 kilos, but it never lasts long.
The reasons are complex and simple. The simple part is, I eat too much and don't exercise enough. Easily fixed. The complex reasons are I feel comfortable at the weight I am at. I find clothes for plus size are completely adequate, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't even mind sticking on my swimming costume. However, as I lose weight, I feel frightened. I hate being looked at, commented on, admiring glances, it makes me nervous.
But, now, I have long term health concerns. I am worried I am on the track for diabetes. I didn't get gestational diabetes in pregnancy, as far as I know, my test was due at 28 weeks. I had a recent blood test and I am not at risk at present. So really, I have to do it now, to work on my weight and my eating and exercise. I know this. I already have essential hypertension, which may be due to pregnancy but who knows? I come from a family where this is quite common, regardless of weight, and I am now on medication.
I am entering into my 40s and becoming aware that old age, is really, not that far away. I want to see Joseph grow up, enter work or go to university, marry (or enter civil partnership) and achieve his dreams. I want to be there to help him and to support him. I don't want to go to an early grave.
I need to lose the weight, and lose the monkey on my back.
I just need to figure it all out.
I even declared my weight on national tv this week, 19 stone. But researching for this piece I have discovered something, I am, in fact only 18 stone!!! I converted the kilos wrong....woo.
My weight started creeping up in high school. There were a number of factors. In Australian schools, sport is very important. I have always been completely and utterly useless at sport. I run like turkey, I look awkward. I can't do sports like archery. I have been known to miss the target and hit nearby trees. As for gymnastics or athletics just forget it. PE class was always an ordeal.
I was bullied terribly, which had a dual effect. It made me avoid group exercise. The other factor was I medicated my pain and social isolation with food. When I recall how much I used to eat, I am astounded that I am only 18 stone and not 28. I got into a terrible cycle of eating chocolate, crisps and cake.
When I was 15 my mum sent me to Weight Watchers. This made everything worse. I felt punished, embarrassed. I felt completely out of place. It made my overeating worse, if anything. It made me concious of everything that went into my mouth, and made me obsessive. But I lost weight and got near "normal". Then it all came back, and more.
Once I left home at 17 and went to university everything got worse. I had complete food freedom for the first time in my life and ate everything in sight. I lived on site in my first year, and all meals were included, they weren't exactly healthy fare and we had pudding every night. My sweet tooth got worse. And then there were the endless takeaways at weekend.
I reached 120 kilos by my mid 20s. I have had two periods in my adult life where I have successfully got down to 90 kilos, but it never lasts long.
The reasons are complex and simple. The simple part is, I eat too much and don't exercise enough. Easily fixed. The complex reasons are I feel comfortable at the weight I am at. I find clothes for plus size are completely adequate, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't even mind sticking on my swimming costume. However, as I lose weight, I feel frightened. I hate being looked at, commented on, admiring glances, it makes me nervous.
But, now, I have long term health concerns. I am worried I am on the track for diabetes. I didn't get gestational diabetes in pregnancy, as far as I know, my test was due at 28 weeks. I had a recent blood test and I am not at risk at present. So really, I have to do it now, to work on my weight and my eating and exercise. I know this. I already have essential hypertension, which may be due to pregnancy but who knows? I come from a family where this is quite common, regardless of weight, and I am now on medication.
I am entering into my 40s and becoming aware that old age, is really, not that far away. I want to see Joseph grow up, enter work or go to university, marry (or enter civil partnership) and achieve his dreams. I want to be there to help him and to support him. I don't want to go to an early grave.
I need to lose the weight, and lose the monkey on my back.
I just need to figure it all out.
