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When I started my blog, it was a place for just to rant, and share experiences, as its grown I sometimes don't let myself go in the same way I did. But as I blogged about earlier in the week, I am finding the run up to Joseph's birthday a bit difficult. If your not a regular reader just to fill you in, I had a rare form of pre eclampsia, that meant Joseph had to be delivered at 27 weeks, in order to save my life, and his. He wasn't "just" early. We did a lot of soul searching, and saw a very good consultant and made the decision not to have anymore children. It's been tough and I want to share my feelings in the hope it helps someone else.
I am finding that I am getting more and more questions about when we are having the next one. I am really surprised just how strong some people feel about it, no one close, all our close family understand.
Please don't tell me I'm selfish The decision not to have more kids is the least selfish decision we have ever made. Both my husband and myself come from two children families, growing up with a sibling. We always assumed we would have two children. This decision is about Joseph. He needs his mum and dad, he needs a strong family unit. We're not guaranteed to have the same happy outcome again.
Please don't tell me pre eclampsia won't happen again There's a huge misconception that if you get pre eclampsia again, and get pregnant a second time with the same man, it won't happen again. This, quite frankly, is bullshit. Yes, some women don't get it again, this is true, but the biggest risk factor for pre eclampsia is having it in a previous pregnancy. There is a big difference between the late onset pre eclampsia and the swift early onset I had. A lot of people who say this also say "well if you lose weight you'll be fine", and that just isn't true either.
Please don't tell me I'll be monitored closely I was monitored closely in my pregnancy with Joseph. I was on daily monitoring from 24 weeks. It doesn't get much closer than that, apart from hospital bed rest, and what would I do with Joseph. (Please don't tell me to send him to the grandparents!) The only cure for pre eclampsia is delivering the baby, there is nothing else, all monitoring will do is help me have a well-timed delivery.Our specialist estimates we'll get to 30 weeks, I'm not doing that again.
Please don't tell me to be grateful for what I have I don't need reminding. I am immensely grateful for my clever, funny, healthy little boy, he's wonderful. I just would have liked him to grow up with a sibling.
Please don't tell me that there are people in the world who can't have children Infertility is heart wrenching, painful, horrible, and I feel sad for those who are living that life. It was a life I lived for ten years too. Being made to feel guilty because I feel sad that I can't have more children only makes me feel shittier than I already do. I think I am entitled to grieve and have support to do so.
Please don't tell me to foster or adopt At the moment we're not really eligible for either. Adoption is something that we would love to do, but there are so many people out there who don't have any children of their own. I would never want to adopt a baby, as at least I have had one, and there are some wonderful people who would make brilliant parents, and I want them to have a chance to look after and raise a baby. An older child will only be an option once Joseph is older.
Most of the time I am fine, and I can see positives at raising an only child, the greatest of which is we can invest all our energy and resources in Joseph.
But never having another pregnancy? Never carrying another baby? Not having a chance to find out what labour is like? It hurts.