Thursday, 19 July 2012

Bringing Up Children to Know About Their Eldest Brother

I feel very priveleged to have Danielle join us today. I first came across Danielle's blog through Twitter. When I first read R's story I felt so sad, and almost guilty, his story is very similar to Joseph's, with one big and important difference. R did not come home. This is the reality of pre eclampsia, it can devastate families. I love Danielle's gentleness and kindness and her spirit comes through so strongly in her blog. I do hope you enjoy this post (please have tissues ready) and follow Danielle's blog.


R was our first born child and after his death we vowed to make sure he wouldn’t be forgotten and that he would always remain a huge part of our family life.


We are very lucky in that our whole extended family all think in the same way and as such his name is mentioned at regular intervals and he is known by all his cousins even if they were born after R had died.
His cousin S who was born just a couple of months before R drew pictures of him on his school work and wrote about how his cousin R was in heaven- his picture had R on a hospital bed with a beautiful big smile.  

My Sister in law was worried I might be upset at the drawing but in fact I loved it and even more loved that at just 7 years old R is an important member of his family albeit an absent one.

K and Buster have always known they have a big brother who died.  They talk about him most days and the questions we have range from:

·         Why did R die?
·         How did R die?
·         When is R coming back?
·         Why can’t we see R?
·         How did R get to heaven?
·         Did you see the angles when they brought R to heaven?
·         Is R still sick in heaven?
·         Is R playing with great granda Micky in heaven?
·         Does R like lollies in heaven?

We answer all questions as best we can and often MrR and I share a sad smile at the same time.


We try to make R’s birthday and anniversary into celebrations we go on family day’s out and make sure to spend the day laughing and talking about him rather than being down and depressed.

On his last birthday we went to his garden (grave) and Buster kept walking about and when asked what was wrong he asked ‘when is R going to meet us here’ he assumed R was coming back and we would see him at the garden.

In my interview with Buster you can hear he states at the end that he loves daddy, mummy and R (he uses his full name) and K although not recorded said the same though she included Buster, the dog and the fish too.
I have recorded K talking about R in the video below, Buster wanted included too but had fallen asleep!

As you can see R has and will never be forgotten and is remembered with love and normally laughter.  It does get easier and in talking about your child it helps to know they are still loved. 

 Danielle writes the beautiful twopointfourchildren. Learning to live, laugh and enjoy life after losing our son, showing that life doesn't have to stop and you can go forward and yet never forget .

2 comments:

  1. Oh goodness. Sad and heartbreaking, but inspiring with it. I think it's very healthy that you are keeping the memory of R alive for your whole family. Time and again I hear of parents whose baby has gone with the angels expected to keep quiet by others who think it unhealthy or distressing. I have very good friends whose son was born sleeping) and it certainly helps mum to talk about him. She feels frustrated that people think of her as having two children (twins born after) when she has 3. I perhaps wouldn't have appreciated this until I knew my friend and heard stories like yours. Thank you for sharing and educating.

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